The coats are off the Paul O’grady and I have been strutting my stuff – one minute full fat with the arms waving about and a further minute clutching the non moving handles. I have’nt got it plugges in so it’s just a low resistance run which is fine by me. My breathing is desperate but I know my tubes are opening. My legs ache but no pain – no gain so they say. Lunatics!
Friday night and I go out and drink…….beer – about five pints. Stuff the diet coke. A little of what you fancy and all that.
David Scott is the compere come bingo caller who is also an artist in his own right. He is openly gay and very camp and has a wicked sense of humour. “It’s my birthday on Wednesday so please let Madge win at bingo so she can buy me something nice, or else she will have to go shoplifting!” Madge is one of the club regulars and David calls her “MUM” He drops a straw in Bash’s drink. It has a pink penis and testicles on it and Bash sucks greedily on it. I tell her husband Dave to get her home quickly! Then David comes up with a penis whistle in his mouth. Bash has to have a go at that as well!
Saturday 14th March and I am dreading the usual trip to Morrisons again. I will have to go anyway and get a new toothbrush. I wish I knew where I could get some bullets to bite on instead! But what a result – amazing scenes – I got round without any disgrace and then get back home to find out the seagulls have won five - nil and Yeovil were lucky to get nil. I decide to go off solids to try and give my bum a rest and I buy several tubs of pre-prepared soup. Being of Scottish origin I know all about making soup but I haven’t got the time or inclination. I chose a soup –London’s something or other – not realising it is pea and ham. I eat it all – probably a big mistake so I have an anti-diahorrea pill as well as my anti-biotics.
I call in at the pharmacy and a very pretty young girl asks if she can help me. In for a penny etc. and I ask her if she has any nupercainal. “What’s it for ?” she asks. There’s no point in beating around the bush. “Haemorrhoids” I reply. She goes to ask the pharmacist, another very pleasant young lady. She comes over and asks me what I want. I tell her that I need an analgesic pile ointment and she gets two off the shelf – one ointment and one cream. What’s the difference I ask? She doesn’t really know but thinks it’s to do with the stuff they use to carry the active ingredients. I buy them both and can’t really tell the difference between the two from looking at the ingredients except one has 0.69% lanocaine and the other has 0.7%.
Just been on the pan and the pain is just about passable. Good job too after the pea and ham soup! Bloody hell – what have I done?
Another two minutes on the Paul O’Grady and another half hour to get over it but my surgeon will be so pleased when he realises what a powerhouse he is dealing with! I’ll soon be boring you with my weight loss progress!
