Thursday night and Roland is still extracting his revenge. Don’t know where the poo has come from. I haven’t eaten that much. All bloody night long. Hardly off the porcelain. Big run on the toilet rolls. I have changed my appointment to ten to eleven because I have an all day conference to go to but I have got no chance. Aside form the fact that I have still got the diholyhohayes I feel like absolute rubbish and all I want to do is go to bed. My arse now resembles a blow torch. I am sure it is glowing in the dark and it’s not from the radiotherapy! The “soothing” cream is soothing at least but it makes an awful mess of yer underclarts. Irene hopes I don’t have an accident or get run over or she wouldn’t know where to put herself with the understains!
Arrived for my radio shot and offered the phial of golden liquid. The radiographer says “Thanks, just put on the chair – you certainly know how to treat a girl!” It’s even got a bit of a head on it! Another bottle of Wilkie juice to get lost in the “system!” My bodily secretions must be all over the health service. Perhaps I am a biohazard all on my own but they haven’t realised it yet!
So I spend most of Friday in bed catching up with sleep and taking my anti-diahorrea capsules which have finally worked. A good nights sleep Friday night – I went right through until 07.45 – unprecedented scenes of joy and euphoria and I am now ready to sort out the Ratso and attack the weekend with verve and vigour.
I shovel my drugs down my neck – only twenty today including the three weeks antibiotics. The mornings total.
I was on Kezzerbird’s blog about her appearing too normal and her intention to dye her hair purple now that it has come back and it got me thinking about my hair. My eyebrows are part of the Wilkie legend and there is hardly a day goes by when at least one of my babies mentions them. I could put Denis Healey’s to shame. They are bushy and frequently out of control. The hair on my head went walkabout years before chemo and I regularly have a delouse and shave it all off because there are not even enough whispy strands for a Bobby Charlton comb over. The eyebrows are still there. I stopped shaving when it felt like my face was falling off but my beard grew a lot slower than normal. (In my granddad’s navy you got a shilling for growing a beard but it had to look presentable within twenty eight days) My beard is soft and luxuriant and used to be a patchwork of auburn, ginger and black. It is now mostly grey and some other colour – not sure what really. I started sprouting hair over my face when I was about fourteen although my pubic hair and body hair didn’t really start until I was about seventeen when it erupted all over but not on my legs which are hairless. My parents were told I was a “late developer.” If only they knew the truth. Doctor Lewis said I shouldn’t have legs like mine as a man because of the lack of hair but certainly not the shape. Did you know that all of your hair has a gender? That is why men go bald as their male hormones fizzle out as they age. If their head hair is predominantly male then the lack of hormones makes the hair die. Similarly that’s why older men sprout hair in the ears and up their nose etc because they are female hair that gains dominance when male hormones decrease. Likewise women start sprouting facial hair as female hormones decrease.
A few years ago I decided to grow a really bushy beard and then dye it so I could be a real Santa after I saw the Santa in the club get mugged and had his false beard ripped off. Having done a bit of research with a hair colour “expert” I purchased a hair dye kit which she assured me would be safe on my facial hair. I should have took on the warning when it said that it should only be used n a well ventilated area. I duly mixed the potions – there was a strong smell – and worked it into my beard, moustache and bushy eyebrows for good measure. I had spread Vaseline under my eyebrows as a safety precaution. The smell of ammonia was prevalent and I eventually managed to pick myself up off the floor after being overcome by fumes and got in the shower to wash it all off.
Not to be outdone the following year another “expert” gave me some more dye – this time peroxide based and which would not gas me. I mixed the powder and worked it into my beard and eyebrows again and left it for an hour and a half to make sure it worked. I got in the shower and washed it off. This time it was all varying shades of blonde and orange with my moustache looking like I had been smoking about a hundred Capstan Full Strength fags for about a year.
