I have got a stalker! I went into the club on Saturday night – Irene had been in early for bingo and as I sat down Irene called me “Golden” Thinking she was going on about my encounter with the onco when he slatted my gonads around but that wasn’t why she called me. There is an elderly woman who goes into the club – Diane who lead a very sheltered life. Not as sheltered as mine, mind you, but nevertheless a very sheltered life looking after two very infirm elderly parents until well into middle age. As Irene sat down she said to her “Where is your delicious husband tonight?” So Irene has called me Golden as in Golden delicious. She then went on to say how handsome I was. When she went up to play Play your cards right she rubbed my shoulder for luck. She didn’t win but that hasn’t deterred her. I don’t think I have ever had a stalker before. She turned to Irene and said “Isn’t your husband handsome?” All I can say is she could have gone to specsavers and when Irene and I were having a bit of banter she poined her finger and told Irene to “pack it in or else.” Gulp! I’m just thankful I haven’t got any rabbits!
Arriving back home much the worse for wear and much regretting the circumstances even before the morning, I settled on a bottle of the Belgian Leffe beer which I had bought at the auction. I have drank one of the bottles and this was my second one – Leffe Ruby which was an impudent little beer. This made me regret the circumstances even more.
It also gave me one of those stunning inspirations that seem to hit only the inebriated. I had a Chinese lantern left – you know the paper ones that you light and they disappear into the stratosphere. I got a marker pen and wrote some appropriate messages on it as a sort of closure of Roland’s vacation of my back passage – albeit with some collateral damage as the USA would say. I have taken photographs which are not very clear because the camera was blurred – I suppose it was drinking strong Belgian beer as well and I will publish them below with a translation where appropriate.
Having finished my extremely profound deliberations te time came to light the fuel cell which we did in the living room because it was a bit windy outside. The cell flared up and Irene started panicking. I knew we would have to wait for the lantern to inflate before going outside but I had to go out before the inflation was complete because Irene was panicking. The wind took the lantern and I had quite a job keeping it straight until it inflated and we got the required lift. Finally it was time to release our inspiration laden lantern and away she went only to get stuck on the telephone wire. There were gasps of shock, horror and amazement as the lantern flared up and stuck to our telephone wire. I had visions of the telephone wire getting burnt while Irene had visions of the house burning down (again). Why do women always fear the worst? Finally she freed herself off and hurried skywards to disappear into the starry night.
Anyway I’m off for a glass of coke tonight – no really – got the surgeon tomorrow where no doubt it will be another session of Whack! The Wilkie gonads around and a good old feel of my rupture. I have got a surprise planned for David our compere – we are going to instal some heart fairy lights to his Play your cards right board. I’ll let you know how we get on.
Goodby Ratso - thanks to everyone for helping me get where I am today
We need my husband. I need my husband. Love and good luck - message from Irene
Good luck all us survivors
Don't do names - we know who we are
By the trailer getting inflated - the lantern, not me. I'm already inflated!
On it's way to the stars
