From the archives of 2008 (PAD – pre anus days)
I have just bought a new watch. Being a gadget man I had to have one with several dials and a sixty two page instruction booklet all in English. A couple of problems with it. I can’t see very well and my super duper glasses that I bought don’t do very much to help. It’s not that my eyesight is bad – it had deteriorated – it’s just that my arms are too short. Strange how our arms shorten as we get older. Anyway in this sixty two page book somewhere is “setting the time” chapter. Not at the beginning. Oh no. It’s buried deep in the heart of all of the instructions. I would have thought that actually setting the time would have come before split second time, dual time, day and date, multi function alarms and alarm tones etc. Silly me! My linear engineer’s brain would have expected setting the time to be first but of course being an engineer and linear I do not think like normal people. I can programme the time in Moscow, Paris, Marrakesh – in fact in dozens of major cities at the drop of a hat. But can I program it to show good old British summer time? Oh no! I have selected time set on the illegible dial by going on the internet and getting a jumbo sized instruction sheet. Then I held the left hand upper button for three seconds and got my hands to neatly park at twelve o’clock. I pulled out the right hand lower button (are you following this because I will be asking questions) followed by pressing the right hand upper or lower button. I then select the British Summer time function (left lower button) followed by pushing back in the right hand lower button. The hands start to move back into position. Success? No! they have returned the same time as before. I have tried this several times to no avail. It seems that I destined to remain permanently with my clock “back” No summer time for me. But ha! All is not lost. At least the little LCD box on the right hand side shows summer time. I can pretend that I am a European traveller if anyone asks why my watch is one hour behind. Anyone want to know the time in Moscow?
Friday 29th May and the Cloaking Device that I have borrowed from the Starship Enterprise is working. First a woman in a 09 plate car pulls out directly in front of me from a T junction a mere feet away and then a van nearly poleaxes me at a roundabout. The sun is shining but the lunatics have left the asylum and taken over the roads today.
There is a parking space nearly available but some kind soul has managed to take up two spaces so I have to park a universe and a half away from the bus stop. On the way to the Park and Ride a black armed response vehicle (plain black) with lots of blues and reds and sirens screaming slips past. While I am scouting the Wilko Street park and ride for a parking space the Medilink bus that I passed drives off. I park the Millennium Shuttle in the nearest berth and waddle off to the bus stop.
Got myself in the clinic and just got my bum on the seat when my name is called. Where is everyone? Have they all been cured? On holiday? Shuffled off the mortal coil? Never known it so quiet.
Looks like the Head Honcho has handed me down to one of his registrars. I tell the nurse about my radioactive feet and she tells me to take my shoes and socks off so she can have a look. Although things have calmed down they are still red (hot) literally. My watch alarms at 12.35 as usual and the nurse asks if I am alarming. I tell her that my watch always alarms at 12.35 and I don’t know how to turn it off. She laughs and then I tell her I am still in winter time because I don’t know how to set the time. I have a sixty four page instruction book. I tell her I can tell the time in about fifty cities if she wants or needs to know. I show her my watch with its four dials and six LCD displays. I tell her I haven’t got time to work out how to work it and she finds it hilarious. “Why on earth did you buy a watch like that?” she asks, laughing hysterically. “Because I didn’t know that it was ‘like that’ when I bought it” I explain.
Fast forward to 25th June 2011. Jonathan has got me a new battery for the super duper watch. Now all I have to do is set it. I have lost the instruction tome so I resort to plan ‘B’ or maybe Z in my case. I go on t’internet. And there it is right in front of me. I technicolour picture of my watch with its four knobs, 3 analogue dials and three LCD displays and not to mention the tachograph bezel. (I did say not to mention the tachograph bezel – we have got enough to deal with with the rest of it!)
I click on “set the time” because that is what I want to do. A very sexy young lady starts to speak. Whayhey! This is going to be so easy.
“Hello Drew, you dummy” she says. Well she didn’t really, I made that bit up. “Press the bottom right button until the analogue display shows Tim” How hard can that be? I can’t see Tim but I know he is at 12 o’clock. Tim selected I click for the next instruction. The young lady now tells me to pull the bottom right button one click. Button duly clicked I press the next instruction. She now tells me to use bottom left or top right to change the screen on the main LCD display. Why A choice? I am bound to get the wrong one. Why didn’t she just tell me which one. I press the bottom left followed by the bottom right.
I click on “set the time” because that is what I want to do. And start again, I haven’t got time for this – I need to cook the Sunday dinner.
Several hours later and I have mastered her. I can tell the time in Britain and Morrocco. I have got the day, the date, the month and the year. I can count up and I can count down. I have a stop watch. And three alarms none of which are set to 12.35 which means I can go to an early afternoon hospital appointment without being embarrassed by my watch. Oh joy of joys. And I have have saved Bossy Boots on my toolbar so I can call her up when I need her to do winter time!
Just a quick update – saw the surgeon last Monday and apart from Laurel and Hardy – my two ruptures, I am doing mighty fine and he has put my next consultation back to a year. Got the ONCO tomorrow – let’s hope he feels the same. Feeling pretty good apart from serial head colds and urine infections – but hey ho can live with that. Am going to start irrigation because Tom-ass has been very naughty lately letting my bag fall off in bed. But that story is best kept for after dinner!
Keep smiling
Love
Drew
X
