Doctor's Tales. You know you are in good handswhen..............................

1. A man dashes into the A&E dept. and yells, 'My wife's going to have herbaby in the taxi.' I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the taxi, lifted thelady's dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly after protestsfrom the lady I noticed that there were several taxi's, and I was in thewrong one.Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, St. Andrews Hosp. Glasgow. 2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly andslightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 'Big breaths,' Iinstructed. 'Yes, they used to be,'. . . replied the patient.Submitted by Dr. Richard Barnes, St.Thomas's Bath . 3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that herhusband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than fiveminutes later, I heard her on her mobile phone reporting to the rest ofthe family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg Royal London Hosp. 4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment, he told me that hewas having trouble with one of his medications. 'Which one ?'. . ... Iasked.'The patch; the Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and nowI'm running out of places to put it !' I had him quickly undress anddiscovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fiftypatches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the oldpatch before applying a new one..Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk General. 5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked 'How longhave you been bedridden?' After a look of complete confusion she answered,'Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was still alive.'Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Maidenhead Royal Kent . 6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checkingup on a man I asked, 'So how was your breakfast this morning?' 'It's verygood except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to thetaste,' Bob replied. I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foilpacket labelled 'KY Jelly.'Submitted by Dr. Leonard J. Brandon. Bristol Infirmary. 7. A nurse was on duty in the A&E when a young woman with purple hairstyled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that thepatient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for an immediateoperation. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it therewas a tattoo that read, 'Keep off the grass.' Once the surgery wascompleted, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said 'Sorry, had to mow the lawn.'Submitted by Staff Nurse RN Elaine Fogerty, KGH London .Dr. wouldn't submit his name!