Does anyone else feel that their perception of time is different now. Sometimes weeks feel like months and yet a year can go by in an almost blur. This month it's a year since Fabe had his big toe and foot bone amputated and I remember hearing the news that the op had gone well and feeling optimistic. However we then found out that while fabe was having surgery and recovering and thus unable to have chemo the smudges on his lungs had developed into multiple tumours. It was such a blow but as most of us on here know that's pretty much how the battle goes, one hurdle after the next with no time to adjust from the shock. Fabe gets his next important scan results on the 24th and the countdown begins. I am trying to stay hopeful but also mentally preparing. Had a meltdown yesterday night had a good cry on my mums shoulder. In one sense I am very lucky with the amazing support network that I have around me, family, friends and working in the NHS there is a lot of support emotionally available and I am using this. My days at work have been adjusted for a few months which means I can work from home a day a week. One of our friends has organised a charity event to raise money for the Royal Marsden. It's amazing how people have shown their support. I have decided to focus on those people in our lives that hold us up rather than those who bring us down. I remember thinking a long time ago that I couldn't possibly love my fiancé more but I do. I have so much admiration and respect for how he has handled everything and love him with my entire mind, body and soul. I was adding some dates to my iPhone and came across a potential wedding date that I had put in for August 2012 a while ago, coming across it unexpectedly was a bit painful. Fabe and I have been together 10 years in April and I am focussing on the fact that our hearts are already married, what would be different really... My name? A big dress? All small things in the magnitude of what we are enduring. I have managed to lose most of my comfort eating weight. I have been going to slimming world and the focus on healthy eating has been good for me. Well I can not believe that Christmas is next month. It does not feel like the Christmas period at all. We will make the best of it though and enjoy every moment that we can. The illness changes you and those around you forever but we are both trying to see the positive things that are emerging. We know who our true dear friends are, we have courage and strength that we never ever thought possible and a totally different outlook on life. We have never really been one to worry about petty things but even more so now. It has made us very aware of our own mortality and that of those around us in a way that we have never thought of before and to appreciate life and those we hold close and make every moment as pleasant as possible. I have also been amazed by the wonderful brave people on the site and the level of support and comfort that is offered. To use a cliche it has restored my faith in humanity. There are some genuinely courageous kind and incredible people on this site and I am proud to be part of this community. It's 5.30am and I didn't intend the blog to be so long but as I don't often get on here had a few updates. Take care, Jen.
