Tomorrow is the first day of the next stage – Day 1 of Chemo.
Still no results from the tests following my CT. The void of waiting and the unknown is still there, but I am hoping that no news is good news. Everything is crossed.
Unexpectedly I am feeling calm… stoic even: Certainly not the person I have been over the last few weeks. I’ve been through shock, worry, anger, frustration, ‘why me?’, sadness, darker sadness, more worry.. yet somehow, I’m here.
I’m not going to lie – I’m not sleeping well – but I learned a long time ago not to stress about that – my body will sleep when it is ready. And a lovely friend of mine has today sent me ‘heal while you sleep’ sessions to play as I drop off - so let’s hope they do their thing over the coming weeks.
The irony is that this is the first week I’ve felt recovered from my op. Gentle yoga and exercise have restored I’d say 95% of the movement in my arm, nerve pain is getting better and the areas of numbness becoming smaller - I am pain killer free (at least for the next 12 hours!!!).
Just when I’m feeling better, it starts all over again.
Like a fellow breast cancer patient said to me yesterday… ‘Cancer – the gift that keeps on giving’.
I’ve packed my chemo bag(s) – a culmination of YouTube research, recommendations from here and other blogs. I’ve squeezed in a wig fitting tomorrow before my session and I’ve got pretty much every headwear option I’ll currently entertain in the house to theoretically prepare (a.k.a try to plan) - {being able to plan, remember that one!!}. Maybe I’m trying to feel like I have some inkling of control – which if course I don’t! But I can be prepared for every scenario I can think of…. that’s my control.
Very useful over the last few weeks have been the YouTube videos from CancerHairCare.co.uk – hints and tips for the cold cap. I did the Look Good Feel Better & Cancer Hair Care – Hair Loss, Scalp Care & new Growth Workshop yesterday (highly recommended) and leant loads of practical info that was delivered over zoom in a kind and understanding way. I did the wig referral from the hospital last week, that I expected to be horrific; but was, actually, very reassuring. I’ve got out and walked… properly walked – arms swinging and walking boots on type walking …. and I’ve watched my garden slowly unfurl – thank God it’s spring! And today I’ve wrapped up my work enough to allow me to hopefully cope with the unfamiliarity of this first cycle and then to attempt to juggle it with what lies ahead.
Among all of this I’ve slowly come to accept that I’ve got to just do it. The sooner I start the sooner I finish. If I can’t work, I can’t work. If I can work sometimes – great. I’m going to earn less – that is really scary – but I will just have to see. If I lose my hair, I have options I am ‘comfortable’ with. If my hair thins (best case scenario) I have options to help with that. If I feel awful…it will pass in time… chemo will not kill me.
So that’s where I am my friends – trying to be positive for what lies ahead. Hoping I can keep the cold cap on and refusing to wait around and be sick. Whatever this chemo throws at me - I will take it as it comes. It won’t be easy, it won’t be pretty, but it will pass.
