‘Probably nothing to worry about…’
Forgive me…. but I’ve been there before!
The fact that I am writing this at 3am will tell you something… I had my first oncology appointment yesterday and the results of my CT scan.
I knew. I’ve come to know, that when the order of events starts with the ‘positive’ and the phrase ‘we’ll come on to that’ is used… generally things aren’t good.
Cemented also by the words that stick mostly in my mind ‘It’s probably nothing to worry about’.
You remember…I’ve been there before,
and now I’m here!
So, my CT scan showed not one, but three areas that need further investigation…. ‘cyst’ on ovary, lesion in liver, lesion on spine. Emergency MRI and more scans have been ordered.
I had only just started to feel more like myself, my neve pain was feeling more manageable, and I had pottered around most of the weekend without needing a sofa break. I’d gone into hospital yesterday, with my full, kick-ass, head on. Now I’m totally flawed, riddled with worry, and back to that agonising wait.
Despite this, chemotherapy is starting in 2-3 weeks – 3 x EC then 3 x T (Have fact sheets on both) didn’t really take a lot of this in (as it came after the CT news) - I remember EC is losing hair (generally between cycles 1-2), most likely sicky/diarrhoea; and T – more likely neuropathy, achy, constipation… noting that, hopefully, at least my arm will have longer to heal before the onset of chemo on my nerve pain.
I was offered a trial that could sort me into a ‘chemo may not be recommended 50%’ but in the light of the CT findings and that the trial would likely delay the start of chemo – both the oncologist and I felt I needed to press on and get chemo started asap. It feels like voluntarily signing your life away to try and save your life doesn’t it – and I suppose that’s exactly what it is? Despite that, the chemo decision now feels small…dwarfed by the huge great big wrecking curved ball that has now engulfed me all over again. And of course, this could all change, pending results all over again…
I’d earmarked this next couple of weeks ‘getting ready for chemo’ - sort my chemo bag, the wig thing, the hat things, allergies for make-up etc – but now I feel caught in a web, not able to move forward – yet I know that every day of worry now is one less day I can prepare. I know that time will tick on no matter how much I worry, but that also makes me panic that I have less time to get my fight back.
My son starts his A levels in 2 weeks, I have final applicant uni trips with him this week (praying emergency scans don’t clash) – this is all just ****. He doesn’t need this extra uncertainty so my brave mask goes on, as will the day…
Waiting is the worst. Uncertainty is sapping. Cancer is…. well, we all know that one.
Sorry, this isn’t my brightest post … I will be processing … I will come up the other side my friends because we have no choice …
