Rough Patch

Chemo was cancelled on Thursday as bloods too low again. They were only 1 and need to be 1.5 so I get a week off, oh joy. So why does the pain start? I dont get it. I have excruxiating pain in the lower part of my back and my tummy area. I even dipped into my liquid morphine today which I've been putting off. Will go to the GP as I dont think I could wait another three weeks before my next CT scan to see if somethings wrong. I know I over did it with race for life and going out with friends enjoying myself and having wine but you need to live a little while you fight this battle. I am on anti-biotics for a gammy toe so maybe its just that interfering with my system. I hate feeling bad after feeling so good and normal for so long. Didnt make it to work today and wont go in tomorrow either, thank god wimbledon has started, te he, can watch it all this week and enjoy. I shall contact my Macmillan nurse in the morning and ask about the oromorph as I dont feel confident taking too much of it, the pain is obviously happening for a reason and your mind works at 100mph. My poor hubby feels useless as he cant do anything but he does enough just being there for me. He is great. My positive mental attitude has been great so far and really pulled me through but I read other stories of people going for surgery and I feel a tad jealous as I might not get that chance. If chemo doesnt work what else will they offer me? How long can they keep me alive for. I am realistic in the fact that the cancer will probably kill me one day but I dont want it to be so soon. I want more time but sometimes I just feel so doubtful that I'm not as lucky as I thought I was. One of the girls at race for life had a t shirt on with the slogan "I am a survivor" on her back. I told my friends I want one of those for next years race and I really hope to so fingers crossed. I dont want this bastard to beat me but feel a little feeble at the moment. I have no appetite and no motivation to cook for other people. I think I'm just having a dark day, sorry to depress anyone reading this but you gotta take the bad along with the good. Everyone knows what the dark thoughts are like but I can understand what people say when they want to be pain free, whatever it takes. I hope the pains are my cancer shrinking and disappearing from my system - thats a better thought. Bloods again on Wednesday and hopefully chemo on Thursday, this will be cycle six and to be honest I havent had too rough a ride on the chemo. They only want to go eight cycles though so lets watch this space. I have ordered two books of amazon tonight, one about the best foods to eat while fighting cancer and the other one is about 50 things to do when you've been diagnosed so hopefully they can give me some tips. I could do with a cook and a cleaner and an ironer if anyone has any energy or time............... Hope to be back on Thursday with some good news x x Joanne