While I'm waiting to go into hospital - probably; the Churchill seems to be at complete cross-purposes with what we were originally told - I'm going to say a couple of things you're not supposed to say.
#1: Why me?!
The obvious answer is 'why not?' But, in theory, I should have been a low cancer risk. There's no family history. I haven't smoked in over 20 years, and then it was only the odd social drag in the pub. I don't drink a lot, I eat healthily - mainly vegetarian - I'm not hugely overweight, I used to walk a lot and do yoga and Zumba.
I'm not saying that people who do tick those boxes deserve it, that would be stupid. Nobody deserves it. I'm just ... surprised, I guess. Maybe I was just standing in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Better me than a lot of people, it's true: I don't have kids, or a glittering career. But I don't have to like it.
#2: I am absolutely shite scared.
You aren't supposed to admit this. You're supposed to be Brave and Cheerful. Well, sorry. I'm not scared of dying, so much (I'm not thrilled about it either), but I know that both the illness and the treatment are going to hurt like hell and the best I can hope for is to be as unconscious as possible, as much as possible.
Yes, I am a wuss. The truth is out.
To be fair, I might be less scared if I had more confidence in the hospital. They're supposed to be very good, but I haven't seen much evidence of it so far. They've been leaving me hanging for weeks at a time; then two departments both wanted me in for treatment at the same time; and this morning they phoned with completely conflicting instructions from the ones we were given on Monday. Is it any wonder I'm worried?
Anyway: if they sort themselves out, this will be my last post for a few days. Thank you again to everyone who sent good wishes. If prayers and hugs and positive thoughts could cure cancer, I'd be bouncing about like a wee spring lamb by now. Please keep them coming!
And if anyone local could spare the time to visit me, that would be best of all. It's going to be pretty damn miserable in there.
