Today I've had my 6th out of 12 chemo sessions, I've officially reached the half way mark. Since the last session, I have been feeling very exhausted, over the weekend, I was literally dragging my body around. I didn't need to drive as my husband drove but just going to watch the girls ballet lessons and swimming lessons felt like I had walked miles yet I only got out the car and and a few steps to the leisure centre. On Sunday, I finally gave in. My youngest daughter was going to the local park, only 15mins walk away, to try and ride her new bike for the first time, which came without stabilisers. I had to miss it. She did very well and managed a couple of cycles on her own. It was too tiring to walk upstairs let alone around a park. By Tuesday/Wednesday, I finally regained more energy but then Thursdays come around so quickly. My port had been hurting on Tuesday but I was advised that as long as there was no swelling, redness, it should be ok and they would test before they start the next infusion. I then started to tidy up and file some paperwork in my C folder. I found the results of the Endopredict test which talks about likelihood of recurrence and one of the indicators was high risk. I must check with the oncologist what that particular indicator meant. My mind went into overdrive. I had been so distracted by the chemo that I had suppressed my anxieties. I started to worry about recurrence and I had worryingly found info on the internet which indicated that sometimes when there is recurrence, it could happen elsewhere and may not be localised like the breast. So I was thinking, I was lucky to catch it this time, how on earth will I know next time if it has spread? It may come back with a vengeance. Maybe it will come back and I won't be so lucky. But isn't that why I'm doing the chemo and radiotherapy, to get rid of any stray cells that may be lurking in my lymph nodes? Another question for the oncologist.
So I was looking forward to Thursday, the 6th cycle. I felt a sense of achievement that I had completed half of the the process.
I manage to make it to the clinic without any accidents this time! I walked pretty slow as I was anxious from last Thursdays fall! As usual, I get to the clinic and they plug the cannula needle into my port. After all these months of surgery, needles, prodding around, it still makes me nervous. They have to wait for the blood results to come back before they start the infusion. Half an hour later, the nurse asks me if I have been feeling dizzy and experiencing shortness of breath, I told him I was just very tired and started feeling numbness in my fingers and aching hands and arms. He told me that I was anaemic and my red blood count was low. I told him I have been eating a lot of red meat and plenty of spinach (as that's the only vegetable my eldest will eat!). He said that it's the chemo doing this. He said they will keep eye out but if at any point I feel ill then I need to call them. I did read up on this and I know that a blood transfusion may be necessary if it gets worse. Well at least I have the port for them to 'plug into'. As for the numbness, he said that it will get worse with each treatment now that it has started. The chemo causes temporary damage to the nerves. He said it is likely to spread to the feet too. But hopefully it will ease once the treatment has ended. It might get so bad that I have to be careful touching anything hot as I may burn without realising!
Ok so it looks like the half way mark is an indication that the worse is yet to come. I will get more numb and even more fatigued with each session. Positivity level has definitely dropped.
He said I should still be able to go away in 3 weeks time but would need to protect my skin and head. It's an all inclusive holiday so will hardly be doing anything but at least I get to watch my girls have a good time and remember this summer as when we had our first proper family holiday and not a summer of just 'mummy and hospitals'. I just need to get myself on a 2 hour flight (avoid any obvious looking poorly people) and then get to the resort and just relax, eat and sleep for a week. They said I can even have a drink or two! I haven't touched a drop since April but not missing it so far.
So far, I still have my hair, maybe lost about 15-20% but not enough for anyone else to notice. It looks like the coldcap is doing it's by delaying it. 3 hours of excruciating brain freeze at -4 degrees is getting more unbearable each week as my hair is thinner but I'll stick it out. Who knows, I might even get away with slight thinning but just incase it decides to all fall out overnight ( I've read other people's have literally come out in clumps in one wash), I better take the wig and appropriate headwear in my suitcase just incase!
So I've got to try and keep positive. Whatever I have to go through now, it's only temporary with a big T and I don't need to face 12 weeks of it anymore, only 6. As advised by nurses, I should rest when I need to and not try to use more energy up by being in denial and fighting it. I need to know how to relax and have time for myself. My body is being zapped of all the good healthy cells (in order to get rid of any bad) so I should let my body recover when it feels the need.
