Taking a breather...

3 minute read time.

FormerMember

28 Sep 2016

I have learnt a lot about myself recently. I realised that I thrive on being organised and efficient, I like to plan ahead and tick the box as I go along, always maintaining a degree of control. I like certainty and even when there is uncertainty, I like to know what all my options are. I guess you can think that as being organised or an annoying control freak. Since my diagnosis in April, I was still able to do that to a certain extent, I steamed ahead with booking the lumpectomy, within days of diagnosis. Soon after recovery of the second surgery (having the port inserted), I wanted chemo to start immediately. I wanted the next day but there was no availability! I didn't want a break and to hang around thinking too much. Entering all the dates in the diary gave me control and kept me going.

I am now in the last stage of the treatment process. I thought I had dealt with all the emotions during the first few weeks post diagnosis (i.e. ticked that box) and was ready to dive straight into treatment and resume back to my normal life by Autumn.

I have been made to realised that I have perhaps set my expectations too high for myself. Yes, on the physical side, I could definitely tick the 'complete' boxes as I advanced through the summer, at full speed but the 'emotions' box is definitely not one that can be ticked.

My fears about recurrence, anxiety returning back to my normal routine seem to have come back. Or perhaps they never went away but I was distracted over the summer.

I have been offered a chance to 'see someone' about my personal concerns. This was not something I had considered and I saw it as taken a step back. In everyone's eyes, I was doing 'so well' and I have had so much support from those who love me and care for me that I didn't want to let everyone down. For me personally, I almost saw it as a sign of weakness/failure. Everyone who knows me, knows that I am a relaxed and calm person and the glass is always half full for me, never half empty. It would be me helping to reassure everyone else and resolving their issues. Looks like now I am having difficulty taking my own advice. I know what all the answers are, the lump was discovered early, the aggressive treatment regime is to prevent a recurrence but more recently, this does not seem to be sinking in. My fears:

- What about the spread to the lymph node, it is obviously the type that will spread but what if it spreads further next time?

- mammograms will obviously be only once a year, how will I know if it has come back? I was not able to physical feel the 16mm this time.

- all the internet articles measure life expectancy in 5 year blocks.. My children are only at primary school

- how am I going to manage my former 5.30am - 9.00pm day when I get tired so easily now?

I was advised that speaking to someone who is an expert in this field, will help me address my fears, which will never really go away but at least I can learn to live with them and reduce the level of anxiety. Even speaking to someone about the emotions make me anxious as I have a fear that opening up will put me a couple of steps back whereas I am eager to get on with my life.

I guess that it definitely one I should remove from my 'tick box' list. Emotions are an uncertainty that I will have to learn to live with and asking for help to start acknowledging that, is not a sign of weakness but determination to move on. Talking of moving on, I have also enrolled myself on a 6 session group course called Moving On. I am anxious about appearing very cowardly, being in a room with other people who are probably much more stronger and have had to face a much tougher journey but I will give it a go.

I've never been a 'look at me' person, I always like to focus on making sure everyone else around me is ok and if everyone else is ok then I'm happy but maybe I need to give myself that time now.

FormerMember over 8 years ago

Hi Yanny

I just wanted to say how amazing and helpful I have found your blog . I am still at the beginning of the journey had the lump removed on the 15th Sept and am due to go back to the hospital on the 3rd Oct to find out the results and treatment plan .

Your blog has explained so many things that I have thought about and I think you have handled the whole situation in a amazing away . I hope the rest of your treatment goes well and you carry on with the amazing strength you have shown so far .

Maria x
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FormerMember over 8 years ago

Thanks for your kind comment on my blog. I never imagined that it would help others or if other people would read it. I've never blogged before so I am just randomly writing down my thoughts but it has been very therapeutic for me to get everything out my system and put it in black and white. Good luck for next week! x
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