Tomorrow I start the last leg of the treatment plan and commence radiotherapy. After this, I will just need to go for regular checks and pop a pill each day for the next 10 years. Sounds easy.
I've been very open with my two daughters and answer all their questions. I know radiotherapy is non invasive so I show them a clip on YouTube. My little 5 year old says 'ooh mum, are you going to be ok, I'm a little worried about you'.
Earlier we watched a film where a robot was 'dying' (Bicentennial Man). My little one turns round and says, what age people die and how old I was and when I would die. We have watched this together before but I guess this time it hit me hard. I just said, oh people live until about 90 as I wasn't sure what to say. At the back of my mind, I knew my oncologist was probably measuring my survival in blocks of 5 years. Right this moment, I am consumed with fear. It is not the fear of dying but the fear of leaving my little girls, it breaks my heart thinking about it and what I have put them through.
I think today I am feeling tired of trying to be brave. The last 12 weeks of chemo has been so overwhelming and focused on the side effects, I almost forgotten what it was all about. In a few weeks time I will no longer have the daily/weekly contact with the medical team, I will be anxiously waiting for the next check up and meanwhile trying to go back to life as it was before and easing back into work.
I haven't had panic attacks since the weeks following diagnosis. However lately I've been feeling anxious and anxiety sets in as I have all sorts of fears racing through my mind.. My girls, recurrence, settling back to work, facing everyone who thinks I've been brave.
I think trying to be too brave has got the better of me. I am not as brave as I think I am and I feel quite tired. I think I might have to reach out to one of those numbers given to me very early on and talk through my anxieties with someone. I feel so so guilty for feeling this way. After going through a summer of hell, I should be thankful/grateful. There are many out there in a much worse position and I feel so selfish for feeling sorry for myself but I cannot help it today. I'm so grateful, I am surrounded by so much love and support so I can't let everyone down and need to snap out of it. I need to and will pull myself together...
FormerMember
Aww never feel bad for reaching out for help.
I often have good and bad days, I think they are inherently part of the process.
The lack of medical contact after getting so used to a diary full of appointments and taking from one to another is suddenly very unnerving. Like having the carpet pulled from underneath you. I can say it does get slightly earlier to manage but I still have up and down days.
All the best for the coming days and weeks and the return to work xxx
Hi I know how you feel day to day life can be hard at times . I don't really worry about myself it's the people I love (kid husband mum siblings ) we can't help feeling the way we do. But I think we have to do are best to stay positive and live life to the full. Big hugs Nicky X
