Today I had my last chemo session. I've been looking forward to this day yet on the way there this morning, I started to feel quite emotional. I had got into a routine with the weekly appointment and dare I say, almost use to the side effects.
When I got to the treatment suite, I had the dreaded insertion of the needle into my port. That would (hopefully) be the final time I would use it. I then started to get emotional and sobbed uncontrollably. Reality had struck me again. Since chemo had started, I got so wrapped up with attending the appointment and managing the side efforts, it was all I knew for the last 3 months. I was able to openly talk about the diagnosis, the treatment as if it was just part of my 'norm' . Reality of being struck with cancer only 4 months ago hit me hard again. It was such an emotional and tearful morning.
I am having my port taken out next week. A small procedure and I will be glad to have the foreign body out as its still uncomfortable but I don't particular like the thought of the same wound being opened again and the port to be cut away from the tissue it has been attached to for the last 12 weeks. The thought of having stitches again makes me feel quite nauseous (or maybe that's just the chemo). You'd think I would be used to all this my no but nope, needles, stitches, wounds still make me squirm!
I was told that radiotherapy may make me even more tired and that I could still feel sick. My current side effects i.e the hairloss, numbness in my hands, the fatigue from the chemo will continue for weeks or more and it was suggested I take a little break before starting radiotherapy.
I decided to steam ahead with things in the usual 'Yin' way of doing things. I like certainty, dates to focus on, a timeline. I decided to set things up as quick as I was able to. Last chemo today, port removal surgery next week and start radiotherapy the following week. Tomorrow I will have a CT scan to start the ball rolling.
I need to start thinking about slowly getting my normal life together. I know the way my body feels now, I could not even contemplate the work/home routine I had before but I am determined, I will get there eventually, step by step. I owe it to my dear family and to all my lovely and kind friends who have given me the most amazing support over the last 4 months. I know I cannot control if the cancer will come back or not but hopefully I have done everything I can to reduce the risk. The worst part of this journey has been the fear, fear of the unknown. If it did ever happen again, hopefully that's part of the battle already fought.
