However traumatic the first few days of diagnosis were, I knew I was going to be open about this from the start and share the news with those close to me and in my every day life. It was the one time in my life when I would not be able to pull off a brave face with a huge smile (like I always do) and people around me should know what has happened. Obviously telling my family was hard, they already knew about the various tests I was having and they encouraged me to be positive. Telling them that the worst fear had come true was heartbreaking. I was so used to worrying about everyone, running around after everyone else, making sure everyone is fine and now I'm causing the upset. I know with my family, I did not have to put on face and I could cry/talk as much as I needed to and they were there to support me. I knew it would be hard on my parents who should no longer be worried about their eldest daughter. I had to delay my mum from visiting in the early days as seeing her daughter in this state would not have done her health any good. Hearing my elderly father sob down the phone was very hard, for a man who never cries. I felt guilty for having to put them through this worry at their age. The only time I needed to be really brave was in front of the girls and holding those tears back until they had gone to sleep was difficult. We were very open with the girls and of course they would see mummy and daddy being sad but I didn't want them to see me break down properly in front of them. I was still the same mummy who would be there for them for everything.
Telling my friends was a difficult one. Those close to me, know I do not like much attention and much prefer to stay quietly in the background. I felt like I shouldn't be making them sad and taking up their time with such bad news and I didn't want people to feel awkward around me. I also did not want to surprise them and have to tell the story from the beginning at a later time. I decided to be open with everyone and thought that at least they know, see that I am ok and then move on. I just did not want to shock anyone if I saw them later.
I've been overwhelmed with the love and kindness from everyone. The love and support I have been given over the last few weeks has been amazing. My family, near and far have been a tower of strength for me. I have been overwhelmed with cards, gifts and all gestures of kindness. I have been so worried with upsetting people about my news but I've found that the love I have received from everyone has helped pulled me through the initial dark weeks. I love buying gifts for others and making people happy which I find an absolute pleasure but I have never felt comfortable receiving gifts myself as I don't think I deserve that attention and people should not spend money and time on me. But I realise that people are so full of love and support and want to show this and I should welcome their kindness rather than feel guilty. I appreciate so much how wonderful everyone has been. The focus on me however is not something I am used to and I can't wait to get back to my normal self and doing what I love best, looking after others and making sure every one else is ok.
A few weeks ago, I would say 'why me?' Now I am thinking, 'why not me?'. I have been told over the last few weeks how brave I am but I am not, fear fills me every day but I know I have try to stay strong in order to overcome this temporary obstacle in my life. Most days, I am positive but some days, I will just cry and feel scared. I'm just one of millions of women who have breast cancer and many have a much more difficult battle to fight and are truly brave people. I'm not brave at all, I have tears at the thought of having my bloods taken! I am fortunate that the cancer was caught early and most of all, I am very lucky to have been supported by all the special people around me, my loving family, my very dear friends. That is the best medicine that any cancer patient can have. I may have a tough few months ahead with chemo to start soon and will be a while before I look and feel like my normal self but surrounded by so much love and support, I'll come back standing strong! The pain is short term and is only for a few months but it will all be worth the long term gain. I'm looking forward to my future ahead and will still be wearing my lipstick and mascara on my wrinkly old face when I'm taking my grandchildren to school!
