I cannot believe that I am actually writing a blog. I don't even know how a blog works. I'm just writing all my thoughts down randomly. I have never been really connected with the vast world of social media which I have found quite intimidating. I don't even have a Facebook account. A simple text message or whatsapp is just about all I know!
I have been employed at my company for nearly 11 years. Every couple of years, we are offered a free health check around the time of our birthday. I have had several and as usual, the general follow up advice was probably to improve more on health eating and do more exercise. Generally I have always been quite healthy and rarely visit the doctors.
A week before my birthday, I booked myself in for the 'MOT' thinking that I really need to cut down on my sweet treats and maybe see what fad diet I can do next! I did the usual tests, the bloods (my worst part), height, weight, treadmill with ECG etc. As this was my first health check over 40, I was told that a free mammogram would also be included. Shortly after getting to my desk, I got an email invitation to the London Shard. I was quite excited, one of the newest iconic buildings in the city with high class bars and restaurants, I did not realise they had a 'diagnostic' centre, perhaps I get a glass of champagne too with a nice view?!
Appointments were available the following Tuesdays. I did not want to have a 'boob check' on my birthday so I booked it for the the following week, Tuesday 19th April.
Mammogram appointment was on the 6th floor of the Shard which was like any other clinic once you enter the building. The imaging device was certainly a strange contraption, involves squashing each of your breasts as flat as possible between 2 plastic plates so they can take a picture, modern day torture!!
2 days later, I got an email from the company doctor saying that they have seen an area of dense tissue so I will need to go back for a 2nd mammogram and an ultrasound so I booked this for the end of that week, on Friday 22nd April. I was naturally a little worried but I had read that it was normal for younger women under 50 to have dense tissue.
I had the mammogram and ultrasound early afternoon and I asked if the results would be available soon so at least I can be reassured for the weekend.
Just before the day ended, I received the email indicating that the scan identified an area of concern so I would need a biopsy. The report said the area was M3 and U5. I found out from the internet that that this was on a scale of 1-5. M3 for the mammogram was a lesion on the upper left breast (10 o'clock position) measuring 8mm was identified but indeterminate. U5 for the ultrasound was 'highly suspicious' with malignant features. After a sleepless few days, the day of the biopsy arrived on Wednesday 27th April 2016, also the same day I got diagnosed. I went to work that day and left around lunchtime. I was very worried at this point and could barely remember my walk from the office to the underground station. This was my 3rd time back in the Shard in the last week. I arrived at London Bridge and suddenly saw a call on my phone from the school and picked it up panicking. The school had informed me that my eldest daughter (age 8) had won the Queens 90th portrait competition and will be invited to visit Westminster Palace in June). I was proud of my daughter and then saw my husband outside the Shard and told him the good news about our daughter.
We met the consultant who said that they could get a preliminary result later today if we wanted to wait which of course we did. He asked about family history, I said none. He asked details of any children and ages, at which point I got tearful so my husband answered. We then went out to wait for the biopsy.
At this stage, I was more worried about the local anaesthetic needle than anything else. I have always said that having a needle put into me was the worst pain and that I would rather go through childbirth again.
Biopsy of the lump on my breast and a sample from the lymph nodes under my left arm was taken around 2pm. I was petrified of the long needles involved and each sample sounded like an Old fashioned wall stapler that the teachers used at junior school to put the pictures on display. When they said my husband had to wait outside, my legs were about to give but I tried to pull myself together and reassured myself that I need get this done so hopefully get the all clear and move on. I came out and said to my husband that he should be leaving at the latest at 3.50pm so he could get the 4.10pm train from platform 1 in time to get back to Kent to pick up out girls (age 5 and 8) from their after school club. We came to the decision that we should ask one of our friends to pick the girls up so my husband could stay. I was worried about the girls as I did not tell them that I was not coming to pick them up but nonetheless, I knew they would be happy to see my friend.
Around 4.30-5.00, I had just got another latte from the machine and the consultant called us back to his room.
We walked into the room and my husband took my hot drink while we sat down (I can't remember this). To this day, both my husband and I cannot remember the exact words that the consultant said but vaguely he said something along the lines of 'cancerous' 'cancerous cells' or similar. The sun was shining brightly through the window behind the consultant, there was probably a few seconds silence and then I just remembered a sudden pain hit me which made me cry/scream for a few minutes. My husband asked him if he was sure. There was a nurse sitting in the corner next to the consultant and giving us tissues. I suddenly stopped crying and said 'ok. What do we do now?'. The consultant drew diagrams and explained that a lumpectomy would be needed. I had invasive ductal carcinoma type 1 grade 2. He explained that grade 1 was like a kitten (?!?) grade 3 was fast growing and my grade 2 was intermediate, somewhere in between. I wanted the lump taken out there and then, I didn't want to go home. We were then taken into the next room by the nurse who gave us a few minutes on our own. We held each other and cried in pain/shock. I only remember how the sun was glaring through the window and heating my back. I called my mum/sister (who were waiting for my call) and I managed a few words along the lines of 'yes it's confirmed as cancer' and could not say any more. The nurse came back and gave us a booklet with lots of leaflets . She then handed me a story book called 'Mummy's Lump' which made me cry like I've never cried before. My girls, my precious beautiful little babies, how was I to tell them!
I cannot remember our journey back home but I think I didn't cry, it was a packed commuter train.
We got home late evening and my friend dropped our girls off. That evening, we explained to our girls that the doctors found a tiny lump the size of a pea (which I found out later was more the size of a grape!) in mummy's left 'booby' which will need to be removed in hospital but that mummy will be much better once they take out the 'bad lump'. We were calm but tearful and the girls asked a few questions that evening. I called my manager and explained the reason why I would not be in. How I actually mentioned the C-word, I cannot remember hardly any of the conversation.
That night, I could not sleep. I would sob uncontrollably in my husband'a arms and begged him to wake me up from this horrendous nightmare. It was like this for the next few days... I would have panic attacks in the middle of the night. I was too scared to fall asleep as I know I would wake up feeling normal for just a few seconds and then suddenly it would hit me that I have cancer. My girls were so young, why now not later when they were much older. I felt like I was robbed of my life. I had always been happy and content, I married the love of my life and now we share two beautiful daughters. Why me, why now? The state of shock and numbness would linger over the next few days. The only time I smiled was when my husband brought the girls home after school and my little one (age 5) would say 'Hi mummy, how's your lump been today?'. My lumpectomy was scheduled for 1 week after diagnosis on Wednesday 4th May.
Week 2-5 lumpectomy and prognosis http://community.macmillan.org.uk/blogs/b/weblog578/archive/2016/06/12/week-2-lumpectomy
