For people who read my last couple of blogs, they will know that my son was diagnosed on Monday with a large (11cms) tumour in his left side near kidney and bowel. We saw the surgeon yesterday, and the date for the op is 29th June. It will be a massive op - and we all came out of the hospital feeling pretty hopeless.
But today, I want to talk about support. Now there's one thing about me that can be good - but can also be bad. And that is that I'm very honest (but not rude) hate bullshit, hypocrisy, and people that talk the talk, but then fail to walk the walk.
When I was diagnosed with an incurable (but slow-growing controllable) cancer last year, I (and my husband) were shocked and disappointed by a lot of people's reaction. People who we thought were close friends were deafening in their silence.
I understood that they didn't know whether I wanted to talk about it or not. I understood that they were embarrassed, or awkward. So many times I heard 'Well, I didn't know what to say' from people. And so often I heard '\If there's anything I can do, just let me know'. And when we asked some small favour, they were busy, or going away etc etc.
But now, my 24 year old son has been diagnosed with a massive tumour, (which is an inherited form of cancer) and I'm really shocked, and yes, angry, at how people, friends and family, are reacting. Only last weekend I sobbed on the phone to one of my close (I thought) friends - she said 'I don't know waht to do, whether I should come round and see you, or leave you alone'. And I said 'No, I really want my friends to come round - I need to cry together, get drunk together, talk etc', and since then, I've heard ...... precisely nothing. Another 'best' friend has sent me a couple of text messages saying 'ring me if you want me'. And as for my husbands family, his mum was told last Tuesday, and since then she hasn't rung either my husband, to see how he is, my son, to say 'I'm sorry about your diagnosis, or ANYTHING!' I know it's very difficult for people to know what to do or say, but surely something is better than nothing? And what's the worst thing that can happen if they phone or come round? I'll either not answer the phone, or say 'I can't talk now', or won't answer the door. Is that so terrible? I know that suffering with cancer makes you more aware of acting with compassion, empathy etc, and if the situation was reversed I wouldn't care if they slammed the door in my face or put the phone down on me, so what, I'd keep on trying.
I think there are 2 types of support - emotional and practical. Years ago, neighbours used to put stews and casseroles on people's doorsteps in times of trouble. When I was in hospital last year, every night my husband used to come home from visiting me, and my mum would have left him and my son a proper home-cooked meal in the oven. When our son goes in hospital on the 26th (he has to be in for 3 days before op, cos he has to have pre-op drugs) we will be up there most of the time. We live in Kent, and the hospital is in City of London. How lovely if people thought to leave a pie, or a casserole in the porch for us, or took our dog for a walk, or came and sat with me in the hospital. Instead they are worried about 'intruding'. Maybe our friends just aren't as good friends as we thought, or maybe it's because we've been thru it we know we would act differently if someone we knew was going thru it. All I know is that my son is hurt by the lack of contact from his paternal grandmother, his maternal grandfather, (who is the gene carrier but hasn't developed the disease, and is at this moment in Thailand because he has a penchant for young Thai women). And I am so angry I could explode. Once again, it will be me, my husband, my daughter-in-law, and my wonderful mum who sit by his hospital bed. My mum, who has battled with malignant melanoma 12 years ago and so far won - who has watched her only child suffer with this cancer, and now her only grandchild. I'm sorry to go on and on, but I'm really, really emotional right now. Maybe I'm expecting too much of people? what do you think? Be honest, I can take it!!!
Jeanie x
FormerMember
brambledigger, thats just plain nasty putting that menu up!!!!!! i LUVVED everything on it, even the 70's melon and parma ham, which i serve regularly!! I decided to go on a strict eating regime 2 days ago as since i finished treatment nov 05 i seem to have gained a lot of weight and am beginning to resemble the size of a small country lol. And then you go and put that stupendous menu up - bollox I am off to have a choc ice on a stick lol.
I am going to bramblediggers for dinner next time he is cooking!!! For those who avoid you in your time of need, excuse them (only once) tell them how you and your husband and son feel about the way they have been with you, if they are still the same after that cut them loose, you do not have time or energy for fairweather friends.
Everyone deals with a situation differently some genuinely do not know what to do for fear of saying the wrong thing, or being in "your face " when they think you need time alone with your family.
When my mother had a mastectomy and was recovering, one of her friends commented that surely she was only okay as the surgery was "only a straight little cut". When my sister was diagnosed with terminal cancer last year, my best friend avoided me, and to this day I have not seen her, when there have been so many times I feel like a real friend to have a cup of coffee with and yes maybe even a little cry, she is not there, her mother told me she could not deal with the fact that I was going to lose my sister, when in reality she means she isn't selfless enough to support me when I need her i have cut her lose she is no friend of mine.
Concentrate on your son and anyone who doesn't support you if you need them to hell with them, long runs the fox. Take care of your son and your own emotional well being thats all you can do ,
Hope everything goes well with surgery, and don't forget we are all here for you.
hi what you said is so true, i was born in Italy our culture is to be very closed to your family.specially in our situation friends and family can't do enough for you they always make sure that you're never on your own,dinner ready etc..etc.. when a member of family and friend are in hospital, will take in turn to stay with you all night and day they make sure is not on one person shoulder.
when i was very ill my sister come to stay with me for a few weeks, she could not believe how we react here about it all, she thought it was sh......t, how can friends and family could live the loved one without any help. i tried to explain to her that some people feel to shy, reserved, or don't know what to say, her reaction was. BALL, SH.....T.
i sincerely wish you and your family all the best.
My son is 18 years old and he has a tumor in his left kidney. Before he started chemo in February 2009, the tumor measured 20 cm and now, after 5 chemo sessions it has shrunk to 6.5 cm. We're entering the hospital today and tentative schedule for his operation is on Tuesday, June 9 when they will remove his kidney. I can relate to your despair as a mother who fears the worst for her son, until now I sometimes wonder if all that is happening is real. There are times when it feels like a nightmare (so unreal) and everything will be alright when I wake up.
I am also trying to deal with the seeming indifference of my husband's older brother and his family. When we have Sunday lunch with the rest of the family, I sometimes feel like screaming at them as they go about pretending nothing is amiss, like nothing happened to my son. My younger son has even remarked that it's a good thing their father has a lot of friends to talk to because he's not getting any support from his own brother. It was a real disappointment to me and I sometimes think they don't care but my husband tells me they just don't know how to handle what's happening. For myself, I feel the anger and acknowledge it then I try (and try) to let it go. I have more important things to focus my energy on like helping my son get well, can't afford to waste my time and energy on them. It isn't easy, I have to make a conscious effort.
I read somewhere that in the face of cancer, friends you've known for a long time may disappear while others who have stayed in the background before may turn out to be a great source of support. I see this happening now with my friends and I choose to say good riddance to those who can't stand the heat and welcome to those who know just the right things to say to lift my spirits.
I wish you and your son the best on his operation.
Firstly can I say how sorry I am to hear about your son, what a lot you've had thrown at you with your own problems as well. Just when you need the support of friends and family more than you've ever needed it, they're not there for you, but unfortunately I think its something most of us have experienced. I don't know what's the matter with people, but they make it all about them, and how they feel, but I suppose in truth they just can't cope with confronting cancer, are embarrassed, probably frightened by it, and would rather pretend its not happening, so they use the 'I don't want to intrude' as an excuse. I've never been one to shy away from difficult situations, but so many people do and I certainly experienced it myself with both friends and family. Its odd how the ones who give the most support are often the most unexpected. I asked for help a couple of times and got the 'too busy' answer, so I stopped asking. I've had it said to me 'expect nothing and you won't be disappointed' but its hard to take that advice, but I have realised that people so often don't react how you want them to, or how you'd react yourself, and it hurts. As you can see, though, you'll get lots of support on here. By the way, I live in west Kent!
