For people who read my last couple of blogs, they will know that my son was diagnosed on Monday with a large (11cms) tumour in his left side near kidney and bowel. We saw the surgeon yesterday, and the date for the op is 29th June. It will be a massive op - and we all came out of the hospital feeling pretty hopeless.
But today, I want to talk about support. Now there's one thing about me that can be good - but can also be bad. And that is that I'm very honest (but not rude) hate bullshit, hypocrisy, and people that talk the talk, but then fail to walk the walk.
When I was diagnosed with an incurable (but slow-growing controllable) cancer last year, I (and my husband) were shocked and disappointed by a lot of people's reaction. People who we thought were close friends were deafening in their silence.
I understood that they didn't know whether I wanted to talk about it or not. I understood that they were embarrassed, or awkward. So many times I heard 'Well, I didn't know what to say' from people. And so often I heard '\If there's anything I can do, just let me know'. And when we asked some small favour, they were busy, or going away etc etc.
But now, my 24 year old son has been diagnosed with a massive tumour, (which is an inherited form of cancer) and I'm really shocked, and yes, angry, at how people, friends and family, are reacting. Only last weekend I sobbed on the phone to one of my close (I thought) friends - she said 'I don't know waht to do, whether I should come round and see you, or leave you alone'. And I said 'No, I really want my friends to come round - I need to cry together, get drunk together, talk etc', and since then, I've heard ...... precisely nothing. Another 'best' friend has sent me a couple of text messages saying 'ring me if you want me'. And as for my husbands family, his mum was told last Tuesday, and since then she hasn't rung either my husband, to see how he is, my son, to say 'I'm sorry about your diagnosis, or ANYTHING!' I know it's very difficult for people to know what to do or say, but surely something is better than nothing? And what's the worst thing that can happen if they phone or come round? I'll either not answer the phone, or say 'I can't talk now', or won't answer the door. Is that so terrible? I know that suffering with cancer makes you more aware of acting with compassion, empathy etc, and if the situation was reversed I wouldn't care if they slammed the door in my face or put the phone down on me, so what, I'd keep on trying.
I think there are 2 types of support - emotional and practical. Years ago, neighbours used to put stews and casseroles on people's doorsteps in times of trouble. When I was in hospital last year, every night my husband used to come home from visiting me, and my mum would have left him and my son a proper home-cooked meal in the oven. When our son goes in hospital on the 26th (he has to be in for 3 days before op, cos he has to have pre-op drugs) we will be up there most of the time. We live in Kent, and the hospital is in City of London. How lovely if people thought to leave a pie, or a casserole in the porch for us, or took our dog for a walk, or came and sat with me in the hospital. Instead they are worried about 'intruding'. Maybe our friends just aren't as good friends as we thought, or maybe it's because we've been thru it we know we would act differently if someone we knew was going thru it. All I know is that my son is hurt by the lack of contact from his paternal grandmother, his maternal grandfather, (who is the gene carrier but hasn't developed the disease, and is at this moment in Thailand because he has a penchant for young Thai women). And I am so angry I could explode. Once again, it will be me, my husband, my daughter-in-law, and my wonderful mum who sit by his hospital bed. My mum, who has battled with malignant melanoma 12 years ago and so far won - who has watched her only child suffer with this cancer, and now her only grandchild. I'm sorry to go on and on, but I'm really, really emotional right now. Maybe I'm expecting too much of people? what do you think? Be honest, I can take it!!!
Jeanie x
