The first day of secondary school for Lara and I had to force myself out of bed after a really terrible nights sleep. Jeans n T-shirt and straightened my hair.....managed to put some mascara and lippy on and look halfway human. She was so excited/nervous now all I have to do is be there when she leaves school, next big target!!!
Organised the lunches (had cheated knowing I might not feel too well, sushi for Jack, Spicey Chicken Pasta Pot for Sean and Philadephia with Ritz crackers snackpot for Lara, an apple, bag of crisps and a small chiccy bar thrown in), straightened Lara's hair for her and off we went. We walked her to the main gates and she didn't want to wait for any friends, so ambled in. Tony dropped me back at Tesco's and went off to work, I did a slow shop and a very slow walk home. I feel exhausted and I hate moaning as I know that the oral chemo is a lot more tolerable than the IV kind so why should I be harping on.
Come home, put the shopping away and hang out some laundry, sit and chat to the boys as they were not due in school until 10.40am today. Once they were gone I just curled up in a throw and watched some recorded tv. First I watched Farrah's Story - well I was red faced and puffy eyed by the time that finished!!!!! It was fascinating, sad and interesting all rolled into one. Next I watched an episode of Greys Anatomy, have left them for a while as I was going through treatment while this series was on and just couldn't stay up to watch, however I was in chat one evening and a few people were talking about the finale and what happened.....not their fault but it kinda ruined it for me.....so I am now ready to start watching it again (even though I know what happens LOL).
I had bought myself a prepared chicken salad in Tesco's and just laid on the sofa eating that and watching Aussie Soaps - OMG cancer is one of the storylines in Home & Away - sheesh can't get away from it!!! Ever have those times when you feel everywhere you go you are confronted by cancer........I walk to Tesco's and outside is one of the big Macmillan posters about cancer, Virgin Homepage on the internet has the cancer advert running in the side..........arghhhhhhhhh GO AWAY As the Macmillan poster says "it's not all about cancer" and its right.....but sometimes I don't want to see it everywhere either. I am just hormonal LOL
Kids came home and I managed to sit up and listen to the stories of their first day back, what awful teachers they have, what good teachers they have, how much Jack thinks his form tutor is a "male appendage" ;) but I really did just feel awful, earlier on I felt the "tingle" on my bottom lip - where I always get a coldsore, so I dashed (slowly mind) into the downstairs loo and found my Zovirax and treated the tingle in the hope I could stave off a full blown one appearing. This is a sure sign I am run down and just makes me feel more miserable. It seems each cycle gets worse, the first I had constipation BADLY, the second my brain decided to swell a little towards the end but we eased the constipation hurdle, this cycle IS JUST SHIT (no not the runs) I am not sure if I am coming down with a cold or something but I just feel generally crap........and I don't like it one bit.
Forced myself off the sofa to go and cook and said to Tony "next cycle we are having takeaways all week" and wandered to the kitchen. He follows and says "Deb if you don't feel well, just order a takeaway tonight" ...."but I've bought the ingrediants to make my chicken pasta dish?"......"Jack and I will cook it tomorrow"....well the family decide they want Kebabs!!!! I had a small chicken kebab (very nice as it turned out) but plain, no salad just the pitta bread. Was in the bath before 7pm and in bed by 8.45pm.
I feel I have whinged a moaned a bit the last couple of days and its not like me.......I am not all doom and gloom but sometimes, just sometimes and especially when you don't feel your best everything seems amplified, the kids bickering, the dogs barking. Still one more day of this cycle and 23 days off.......thats enough to bring a smile to my face.
Thanks T for the zinc advice, I love pumpkin seeds but am bad at eating breakfast. I will happily munch away on the seeds themselves through the day.
Thought for yesterday:
Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning up to do afterward.
Kurt Vonnegut
FormerMember
but some days, you just have to 'power down' for a bit, eh? ;)
Just remember that things will improve and that sometimes we cannot see the tunnel, never mind the light but its there so hang in and the smile will return.
Well read the first para and was in tears - good job the mascara wasn't on, would resemble a panda lol. God willing you will be here for years, you have a cookery book to publish don't forget.
You moan as much as you like, we all need to sometimes and you have been so upbeat for so long. And don't forget that the chemo is cumulative, so you will have days where you feel like you've been hit by a bus, rest and sod Tesco's. Hears to 23 days off and that the next cycle isn't as bad.
Any time you feel like having a moan to us have one. Your a great support to so many here Debs. Hope you feel better soon, Love and prayers, and a big ((((((((((huggle)))))))) Linda
