Hi all sorry i havent blogged for a while, havent been getting to grips with this site, but think i'm getting the hang of it now lol
If someone was to say to me right now ''How do u feel''? My reply would be ''Nothing'' Because i dont i feel complete numbness, If someone came to me now and hit me over the head with a blunt i dont think i would feel a thing, It's weird i dont think i've cried once since i found out my Mum has Cancer, It had'nt really hit me. She had all her head shaved the other day, and as i was sitting there watching her beautiful hair fall to the ground i could feel myself welling up, Everyone else just sat there in complete awe over it, So naturally i sucked them back up and told myself not to be so stupid Because of course no-one else was crying so dont look like a tit and start blubbing!! So instead i did what comes natural to me, and tried to make it funny, Everyone laughed including Mum but somehom i felt bad for doing it as if to say i was turning mu Mum into some kind of circus freak! I knew she didnt feel that way but i just could'nt help but think it, Now this may seem silly bit now with her hair gone, she looks like she is ill, as in before she did'nt she looked normal, well as normal as people get, I thought to myself my Beautiful strong mum is being broken down one by one by this shitty disease it's taking away all the things that make her, her. I wanted to just reach inside her and rip it out, like a film i watched where the man had Lung Cancer and some man just delved inside his chest and ripped out the Cancer, God i wish i could do that!! I also had a chat with her one of the serious ones where we said that admitadly i dont do much round the house because i lock myself up in my room all day and when im not in my room im out with my friend's in the pub, So i decided sort yaself out, and well i think i have, or at least started to lol. It's a weird thing watching the person u love the most getting ill. If i had the choice for her Cancer to be given to me i would. Because i'm young and i'd maybe have more of a chance at surviving it. If i had one wish and one wish only it would be that Cancer never did or never has existed.
