Just waiting and waiting

Lots of really really sad tears today. Not for any particular reason, but just incredibly sad. I'm just wondering when the tears stop. I'm waiting for them to stop. I'm waiting to stop grieving. I'm waiting to stop feeling hollow. I'm waiting for something to feel truly worthwhile. I wonder when I will stop having that feeling of dread inside when I deliberate my future. Im pushing on as I have no alternative but I feel like life is happening to everyone else but me. I'm ashamed of myself sometimes, feeling envy of other people's lives . These feelings are all new, I don't recognise myself at times. It's the emptiness that's so hard to come to terms with. Yes I can fill the days with activity and people if I wish but there's always a sense of just filling a hole. A great big hole . I always seem to be waiting for things to be better. I miss him so much, he was so much to me. My husband my friend my confidente . No matter how much I cram into the big black hole of grief the feelings of loss are always there. I'm waiting for them to go too. It's a terrible place grief, with one foot in the past and the other trying to get some kind of footing in the present too. I feel like I'm on the rocks at sea, clinging on sometimes yet other times being battered by the waves of sadness. Some days my grip is better than others.

So nearly two years on now. I've had the pills, done the counselling, cried a million tears and scraped together a life. But where is the meaning? Perhaps I've just got to keep waiting for that too! 

The daily stuff I've got sorted, it's the bigger picture that's scary. I miss looking after him yet I don't want to look after anyone else . Looking after has been a big part of my life but it's all so energy sapping now. It's just not the same doing things for myself. 

I'm not sure what I'm waiting for but hopefully I'll feel brighter tomorrow . After all it's a new day. 

This is all so much harder than I ever could have imagined X