How naive of me to think I would be able to keep a written record of this awful journey. When did I think I would find the time? Do I want to remember this grim and troubling time? Only heaven knows - I am way too busy living in this moment.
Strangely enough cancer itself hasn't been the main focus over the past weeks, it was always about "getting through" THE treatment. Six long weeks already added onto three months of hospital visits and tests and appointments and worry and anxiety and nerve shattering news and here we are. It was like being kidnapped - the outside world was far and distant and not really relevant. It was about survival and about us as a married couple. Nothing else mattered. I had no reserves in the tank for anyone else - I can't help feeling ashamed of that. I've read posts on this forum and in my head I offered words of comfort but it was all too draining to write it down. I never thought I would be like that - I pride myself on the caring and thought I give my own people and others. I'm hoping it has gone unnoticed but tough luck if it hasn't !! Perhaps it will never come back - that's in the future though which is another place entirely.
So we've reached the end of OUR treatment. Every single day Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday - for six whole weeks. Driving for one hour and five mins there ...................................and one hour five mins back. Fifty miles round trip, through country lanes and two large towns. Traffic jams, holdups, car accidents, wind, rain, floods, roadworks, . It's done. Finished. I have absolutely no idea how I managed it. What with hubby being sick towards the end so much, thank goodness for our little silver bucket. It's unbelievable how a little bit of plastic can be such a life saver. (Although the day I forgot to put the handbrake on the car and it rolled away whilst I was emptying hubbys sick into a hedge was not necessarily a life saving moment!) He even slept through that too - bless him.
Yes the sleep - now that's something else. How can anyone who sleeps around 20 hours a day need so much attention? I haven't worked that one out yet.
Anyway, I'm tired again - that will have to keep this for another day.
Yes I'm still being held hostage ;-(
