Dear Dad,
Its been nearly seven months since they found the tumour. I remember the phonecall like it was two minutes ago. You tried so hard to be brave and strong as you told me that 'you'd be one of those strong people who gets through this and beats it'
I tried so hard not to cry as I could hear you choking back tears through the phone. I wanted to cry for you. You sounded so scared but you were still being my dad, that brave man that always tells me everythings gonna be ok to try and make me feel ok.
My heart broke for you that hideous Tuesday they told you there was nothing they could do. I can't begin to imagine how you feel. I wish somedays you'd talk to me. As you grit your teeth through the pain and tell me 'you're ok'.
I found all your research on living a life of gratitude and facing death. I wasn't snooping, I just went to check my email on your i-Pad. You amaze me. I can't even begin to explain to you without welling up. You are being so brave.
I want to tell you how proud I am that you're my dad. I want to carry on your legacy - you're what keeps me going and makes me determined to succeed.
I've not told you, but I can't concentrate on uni work. I try and push through as I can't fail, I want to show you I'm strong to give you strength on the days you don't have any.
I want to scream today. It feels like there's something stuck inside my chest. Anger, frustration. Why is this happening? Why can I not comprehend this more? Why can I not accept this!?
Everyone keeps asking am I ok. No I'm not. I want to be positive. I want to enjoy the time we have. I will enjoy the time. I just want to cuddle you forever. I want to be 4 yrs old again, sat on your knee whilst you dry my hair.
Do you remember that time I had rubella? I was so scared that night, feverish and hallucinating. You came and sat in my room all night and cuddled me. As soon as I saw the door open and you there, I felt better. When I had pneumonia, I was secretly happy that I had you all to myself for 2weeks at home. Don't tell mum.
Recently I've been thinking about what defines us, our relationship.
Lady of Shalot. You read that to me time, after time.
Tender by Blur. That was always your favourite, I couldn't understand it - Coffee and TV was so much better.
Long walks and your backpack which ALWAYS had mints or werthers original in it. I never stopped moaning. I'd give my right arm to walk 12miles with you every sunday again.
I love you.
x
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