i want to scream.

2 minute read time.

FormerMember

16 Apr 2012

Dear Dad,

Its been nearly seven months since they found the tumour. I remember the phonecall like it was two minutes ago. You tried so hard to be brave and strong as you told me that 'you'd be one of those strong people who gets through this and beats it'

I tried so hard not to cry as I could hear you choking back tears through the phone. I wanted to cry for you. You sounded so scared but you were still being my dad, that brave man that always tells me everythings gonna be ok to try and make me feel ok.

My heart broke for you that hideous Tuesday they told you there was nothing they could do. I can't begin to imagine how you feel. I wish somedays you'd talk to me. As you grit your teeth through the pain and tell me 'you're ok'.

I found all your research on living a life of gratitude and facing death. I wasn't snooping, I just went to check my email on your i-Pad. You amaze me. I can't even begin to explain to you without welling up. You are being so brave.

I want to tell you how proud I am that you're my dad. I want to carry on your legacy - you're what keeps me going and makes me determined to succeed.

I've not told you, but I can't concentrate on uni work. I try and push through as I can't fail, I want to show you I'm strong to give you strength on the days you don't have any.

I want to scream today. It feels like there's something stuck inside my chest. Anger, frustration. Why is this happening? Why can I not comprehend this more? Why can I not accept this!?

Everyone keeps asking am I ok. No I'm not. I want to be positive. I want to enjoy the time we have. I will enjoy the time. I just want to cuddle you forever. I want to be 4 yrs old again, sat on your knee whilst you dry my hair.

Do you remember that time I had rubella? I was so scared that night, feverish and hallucinating. You came and sat in my room all night and cuddled me. As soon as I saw the door open and you there, I felt better. When I had pneumonia, I was secretly happy that I had you all to myself for 2weeks at home. Don't tell mum.

Recently I've been thinking about what defines us, our relationship.

Lady of Shalot. You read that to me time, after time.

Tender by Blur. That was always your favourite, I couldn't understand it - Coffee and TV was so much better.

Long walks and your backpack which ALWAYS had mints or werthers original in it. I never stopped moaning. I'd give my right arm to walk 12miles with you every sunday again.

I love you.

FormerMember over 12 years ago

Oh how I miss my dad...your letter made me cry! x
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FormerMember over 12 years ago

Say them.

I was at school when my dad died, at uni when my mum got cancer (and eventually died of it)

I now have a 20 year old son and I have cancer...

So, I guess I am saying I sort of understand from all angles.

Say those things to your dad.

My son and I talked. I still have hope for a future but to start with we were not sure and we talked and talked about life and death and all that. It reassured me in my journey and it reassured him too. we found an honesty and peace even though I want to protect him from things with all my heart, I know that I have to be honest. Of course I am on here for the support you don't want your family to know you need cos we try and protect whatever...

I don't know if that makes any sense but my dad died suddenly and I spent a lot of years regretting what I did and didn't say, whereas I was with my mum when she died. It wasok and calm and a good experience as weird as it may sound as she was ready and we were ready and we had had time to talk and say what needed to be said and somehow much more easier to bear.

Of course you are screaming inside. I remember feeling I was splintered into pieces and a black hole where my heart should be, but over time it heals and makes you stronger and you will get on so well in life, cos if you can get through this, then you can get through anything! Take that as a gift from your dad. My mum gave me courage to face anything and your dad will give you the same.

Talk to your dad, tell him those stories and he will feel so much better knowing you remember and felt loved and carry those with you. It will help him too. and cuddle him like you are 4.

You will get through it and be able to laugh and smile and all those things, it takes time, but you can do it and will do it.

Lastly, talk to your tutors. I got a lot of help at uni when I was in your situation. Extra time for essays, help and dispensation on some exams etc...

wishing you strength and a big hug from me.

Little My x
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