Help

Hi. I'm 21 years old and I lost my mother 73 days ago. She was 62. She was first diagnosed with ovarian cancer three years ago. She went through an operation and began chemotherapy and radiotherapy. A few months later we lost my nan to old age and the stress triggered a massive heart attack. Radiotherapy was stopped but chemo continued until she joyfully went in to remission. We celebrated but it was short lived. The cancer returned and spread into her lymph nodes and stomach lining. She would never recover. Instead it developed in to breast cancer. They told her she had 48 hours and the whole family came around. She was gone a week later. But for me she was gone much sooner. I watched the strong, independent woman that i'd always known fall apart in front of me. I'd never seen her cry before and now she begged for her deceased parents to end the pain for her. Asked us (her daughters) to kill her. But I didn't feel anything. I didn't want to be there. I wasn't angry. I wasn't upset. I was willing it to be over. But when it was I still didn't feel anything. I didn't feel as though I was grieving. The next day I went out for a meal like everything was normal. Life has carried on like normal. I haven't fallen apart. I haven't locked myself away or stopped eating or lost interest in anything. I got married two weeks ago without her and I still didn't get emotional. Christmas passed and I didn't even think about her. I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel like it's too late to break down now, people expect me to have moved on. Lately I've started to feel rather angry and fed up. I couldn't wait to take the Christmas decorations down. I wanted to smash them up. I want to shout and scream and break things. It's like I shut myself down so completely that I couldn't feel anything and now that I'm happy (because of my marriage), it's leaking it's way in and all I feel is pain. I don't know how to talk to people about it which is why I've written it down. All I know is it hurts.