This is my third attempt to write this blog today... It should have been the day my lovely Dad came out of hospital where he has been the last 6 weeks, 60 miles away from his home n family.
It's been the hardest day for me so far, don't ask why, maybe that after the district nurse came to inflate the mattress for the hospital bed my Mum now has in the dining room, was the fact that my Dad is coming out on a stretcher. Not the way you'd expect to be coming home! A man who upto Xmas was playing 18 holes of golf twice a week n was just complaining of being a bit tired afterwards.
He was diagnosed with mesothelioma just 15 days ago and it's turned my world upside down.
Today I've felt very anxious and tense. I was the one who pushed to get Dad home as I felt being in a room alone with only a frosted window wasn't helping his mental state whatsoever, he needs to have his family around him to help. But as the equipment arrived, bed, mattress, commode, wheelchair to follow plus the phone calls about us emptying chest drains, administering morphine and the fact that they didn't recommend bed sides as he had tried to climb over them in hospital and pulled out the drains and catheter, no, he doesnt have dementia, just drugs given to quell the pain. I did question whether we were doing the right thing, maybe me just being a coward.
Writing this does help in a way too relieve how I feel, after keeping a stiff upper lip for the family. Sorry if anyone who reads this gets scared but the fact is it is scary ... But I have to cope, be strong, for my lovely wonderful Dad who has always been there for me.
The hospital rang this afternoon .... They couldn't get the transport arranged, now it's tomorrow, we had to phone Dad and disappoint him yet again!!
Julie
FormerMember
It's heartbreaking I know, but you will get through this next stage now with strength because you simply have to. Sending huge hugs of strength and love to you and all the family.
We are all here to support you as you wish onwards and beyond.
My blogs got less but my need for this site got stronger. I usually log in 2/3 times a day, just for reassurance and to offer support to others. I have posted but not blogged.
We now have a date for the funeral Friday 13th! Hopefully we have everything in place and relatives informed. The minister from the chapel called this morning but as she didn't know dad personally has left us to write the eulogy, I so want the service to be personal and reflect what a caring family man dad was, devoted to his beautiful grandchildren. Mum and I were reflecting this morning about when he first retired what would he find to do? Luckily he adjusted quickly and found new interests with his computer, garden and his love of inventing and making handy gadgets...
It's been a really up n down week yet again, to be honest and maybe a bit selfish I will be glad when the funeral is over. Mainly because two weeks seems just too long and I need the comfort and reassurance of my friends as well as my family now too. It's strange that I had to pop into work yesterday and some people dropped their heads to avoid speaking, I understand why, but I will always remember with others in the same situation, it is not the right thing in my mind to do. Yes I'm delicate but not a raving looney ......
Having to identify dads body wasn't the highlight of my week either but yet again I felt this strength inside saying it was what I needed to do as dad had always been there for me and I couldn't let him down.
Guessing that Friday will be time to be strong again to look after mum, I know she will be worried and scared. I promised dad I would take care of her so .... That's what I'll do!
Maybe you will think I'm strong n that if you were faced with the same situation you could not cope but let me assure you I'm scared of my own shadow, so be strong, enjoy every minute you can with your loved ones.
Thinking of you all and sending all the love n support I know you all deserve.
Julie xx
The day after dads funeral, how do I feel? Tired, sick, relieved, bewildered, lost are just a few of the feelings. Yesterday went as well as a funeral can, I felt proud that we had taken time to handpick our hymns, visit the florist in person rather than choose from a stock photograph, the eulogy had been put together by mum and I with help from my husband who had also read poems during the service. My fondest memory of the day was the music at the crem, the song was absolutely beautiful, "perfect peace" sung by Laura Story, found quite by chance. I was looking for hymns on the Internet n thought after the pain n suffering dad had been through the title seemed apt. There is a hymn peace perfect peace but the utube version called perfect peace was just so moving and right.
So another day to start thinking " what to do now" .... We have been this morning and moved the flowers from outside the crem to a family grave in the same cemetery, it looked so beautiful and I admit to taking photos, I wasn't sure if it was the right thing to do but at least I had the choice then if I wanted to look I could, if not, so be it.
Mum is still with me for a few more days and I will see her during the week when she does go home as we now have financial jobs to do.
As they say " life goes on" but it will never be the same, without my lovely lovely dad.
Julie
I'm so sorry Julie - I have just lost my lovely Dad too. I am glad the funeral went as well as can be and that it was a special day in tribute to your Dad...it certainly sounds like a touching ceremony. I am not sure if I will feel any different after my Dad's funeral is over....I don't think so...but I hope I do. XXX
Sparklestars, Thank you for your kind words. I'm so sorry to hear you have lost your dad too, it really is heartbreaking how many lives this terrible disease is affecting.
I really don't think you can predict how you'll feel from one day to the next in these awful circumstances, I know I carnt. But I just remember how special my dad was, as no doubt you do too and the fact they would want you to try n carry on without them as normally as possible. You did all you could at the time so have nothing to regret.
I'm here of you want to chat, just inbox me
Hugs n lots of good wishes
Julie xx
