So, my dad.! Typical Yorkshire man - very loud, very tight, knows everything!
Smoked all his life, worked all his life, has the strength of an ox and never been poorly.
Its been a strange few months - he wasnt a good dad to me or my elder brother - he was absent, uncaring, and distant to name but a few of those. Remarkably - he has been a fabulous father to my younger sister, and the most amazing grandfather to her two children. My brother and I have not had the best of relationships with him as adults having made the decision in our late teens that we did not want one at all.
Had you asked the two of us what we would do in this situation 12 months ago you would have received an indifferent response and one which would indicate that we were equally distant and uncaring. LIttle did we know how indifference can evaporate when you learn that your dad is ill. Amazingly with no discussion on 'how to handle' the situation, my brother and I immediately dropped everything on learning my father was ill to be by his side.
What has happened in the subsequent months has been emotional. No words have passed between the three of us to address the past - we dont need them. No discussions or even the occasional dig has occured to reference the past and our horrendous childhoods (there was violence of the type he would have been arrested for if it were this day and age), however there is an underlying acceptance that it is in the past and that he is sorry and that we forgive him., Amazing how much can be said without ever saying a word.
In working with our little sister and helping eachother help my beligerant old fool of a dad (said in the fondest possible way) we have rebuilt relationships that we thought had died a long time ago. We have taken responsibiltiy for speaking to his various brothers and sisters and keeping them in the loop of events. In doing so we have learned things about this man that fly in the face of what we believed he was and this bloody illness as cruel as it is, seems to have also been kind in that it has stripped away all the bravado and the front he had that made him appear hard and cruel, and exposed the most caring, considerate frightened man. I dont mean frightened by the cancer - I mean I realise now that bringing us up - he was frightened - he wasnt a confident man - his own father wasnt a good man - who on earth did he have to learn from?
Anyway we are here now - he is on his palliative chemo - he is doing well. He is however apparently convinced it will cure him - I am not going to steal that from him. He is embracing his relationship with all three of us, and do you know - we are having a ball! We are getting together regularly and even when dad isnt well - our family sick sense of humour and blunt manners means that right now laughter seems to be the best medicine of all.
What is breaking my heart however is his need to lie to me. I understand why he is lying to some people as he doesnt want to be giving bad news every time he opens his mouth, but I know in his eyes when her returns from teh hospital if its good or bad news - he can twist the worst news to sound positive - and I celebrate every little 'acheivement' with him. But we were not blessed with the best faces for playing poker - which means I can read him like a book - denial is not only a river in egypt! Initially I thought he was genuinely in denial - which is fine - whatever it takes to get out of bed on a morning and get on with life - Now I realise that he is not in denial at all. He knows exactly what is going on and he is spending his days protecting everyone else. God bless him - it makes him feel good.
So he has finished his first cycle of chemo - he has had two chest infections - low haemoglobin - high calcium, water retention- you name it. He had is scans last week to see how effective it has been, the result is that due to damage on his liver, they have reduced his dose of chemo. He was only on it for half an hour each time anyway - there is not a great deal they can reduce it by surely. Im afraid right now - I see this as a sign that he is not doing as well as he likes to tell us he is - but I am not gong to drive that home to him.
he intends to stick around for a long time - he intends to have a big party for his birthday in August - I will plan it with him.
