A wobbly day

Hi it must be a special day this Thursday for results as I to get the result of the scan undertaken last week. I have inoperable terminal cancer that is being treated only with palliative care. In December I was given 6 months because I have breast cancer and also lymph node cancer that is not related and has an unidentified primary but secondaries in my neck. I have had a course of FEC the first dose was horrific and whipped me out completely and I had every side effect known!! Just had a zap of radiotherapy to a very painful spot in my back. This seems to have worked and I am finding relief from the continual pain, so Thursday is "D" day for me as well and the wait is causing me to have a melt down as well. So fingers crossed for the results for us all and any of our colleagues on the site who have key news this week.

I don't think you can come to terms with it. Well, I certainly can't. There I was, 3 years after surgery & chemo & almost believing I might be one of the lucky ones & survive a full five years, when I got the bad news. If Him upstairs has actually got a plan for me, then it involves everything I wanted to avoid. Thanks a bunch. Maybe it's good for the soul, all this drama, terror and misery? Maybe it "makes you a better person"? Well excuse me but bollocks to that. I don't particularly want to be "a better person" anyway - I just want to carry on being a person for a few more years, until I pass away peacefully from old age!

This cancer business is real tough shit, and after diagnosis nothing is ever the same again. Everything about your life has to be examined and you need to live it, as best you can in the circs., the way you want to & cut the useless bits (and people) out of it, to stay (relatively) sane. So if your OH can't cope with your emotions, tough luck. If he can't put himself out to support you, offer you a shoulder at least and listen to your ranting and fear - he can bugger off. You need all your strength  for yourself and your daughter, so no more "being brave" for a fully-grown useless human being who's just going to drain you.

Sorry if that's too straight-from-the-shoulder but if he's not with you for the long haul, he's not with you at all. That dratted panic attack was more than likely partly the result of you bottling up your emotions for his sake, as well as feeling you're not in control of your life any more.

By the way, you are NOT going to die any time soon. Take that from one who's been around this site a bit and seen a bit. You are going to get a treatment plan that will hold back and probably shrink these little buggers, just like I'm going to, right?

If my team are anything to go by, yours will tell you on Thursday just as much or as little as you want to know. What they probably will do is outline a treatment plan and explain what it involves. I think that once you have a plan you begin to feel more in control. The panic attacks won't bother you.

Sorry to "go on a bit" but I hope I have helped. Be kind to yourself - you come first, now, ok?

Love & hugs, Twirly xxx

Hi Sue, im so sorry your having to go through this horrible time too and hope you get some positive answers on Thursday. 

Its tough living a normal life never mind this one weve now been given, We can all carry on this journey together. Love and hugs.  L.

Hi Twirly and thanks for your reply. Straight off the shoulder is fine lol. 

I feel so  much better for having got that lot of my chest yesterday, its good we have this place to rant and scream.

The other half is there for me, we have been together 20 years and he is my soul mate and my best friend too. I think i have been bottling it all up to save him from having to deal with it all. However last night it all came pouring out and we had a good long chat and we both had a long overdue cry too.

Im so sorry your c came back after such a long time clear it is so unfair. 

You are right about one thing though, i am going to put ME first from now on. Im going to do what i want when i want and if the family dont like it then its bloody tough.

I have got some family shit going on at the moment too but they will all have to sort themselves out and deal with their own conciences as i refuse to be drawn in to it, i havent got the energy for it.

At least on here you know for a fact that people really do understand what youre going through as they have been through and are going through the same stuff whereas our families really dont have a clue bless em. 

Love n hugs to all who need them xx L.

Oh Lynn I'm so pleased you & OH have sorted yourselves out, & sorry if I was a bit over the top - nothing personal! There have been so many ladies here over the years whose partners just couldn't hack it & walked out, it's heart-breaking.

Anyway, good for you on the ME FIRST attitude, it will help no end. We often don't value ourselves enough, or worry about other people when they don't deserve that much consideration. Some family members included!

Stay in touch, ok? Love & hugs, Twirly xxx