Well its a long time since i wrote on here and am feeling like i need to get stuff off my chest and down on paper so to speak.
I have had a five week break from chemo over xmas and new year and am due to start back on the Pem next tuesday. I cant help thinking that all the new year will bring me is feeling crap for a few days every three weeks again !! I know i know, its keeping the cancer at bay and i should think myself lucky but i dont and i would love to say to the oncologist " no more lets just see what happens ".
I have a few side effects from the chemo that im sure others have had too but when you have these things going on day in day out it gets quite wearing. My tummy is upset every time i eat something and i have to be near a loo all the time which makes going out very difficult. My hands and feet swell up so much that i could cry with the pain and my eyesight is deteriorating too. I have booked an eye test as my eyes are blurred constantly and i have to have the size on my comp up to 150 % or i cant read the text. I cant read labels on bottles packets ect and am very worried. I asked the oncologist if chemo can affect the sight and she said no but im not convinced, has anyone else experienced this?
I had a nice christmas with family and they all seemed to enjoy themselves so why do i feel so down and miserable? i find my self bursting into tears over things that never used to bother me and i feel useless because i cant keep the house as clean as i used to do due to a lack of energy. People that used to offer a bit of help now and then have stopped offering and seem to be of the understanding that because i look fine then i am.
I lost an Uncle and a cousin just before christmas and have had news that a young friend of ours is at the end of her life at 19 ffs. I just want my life back i want to be the person who i was before i was diagnosed and i know i cant be and that make me so mad and sad at the same time. I hate Cancer !!!
