Before I write anything else I just want to say I don't really know if anyone will read this, which is okay because it may not make much sense. But I really just wanted to find a place to put my thoughts and feelings in a safe hopefully understanding environment.
So I suppose some content into my situation should be written first.
I am a 28 year old female, My journey began in 2022, at the beginning of the year I found out I was pregnant with my first ever child, my partner and I were and are engaged the pregnancy itself was a complete surprise, not planned at all and although that's the truth it was a wonderful truth. As we went through the year my partner became my full time carer due to my other medical conditions (The pregnancy exasperated it all and he is still my full time carer.
Sadly we found out that my partners Auntie's cancer had returned and went from found, to aggressive, to the treatment not working at all in a space of a year sadly she had had all the surgery, treatments and quickly told she was terminal.
She past away sadly on the 28th of January 2023 and this year will be her first anniversary, which was obvious reasons heartbreaking, but she was in end of life care and a hospices and in some form of relieve when she passed away she had the painkillers and medication to help her slip away quietly as she wished.
As I said I alt the beginning I also have had a journey myself, while all this was sadly happening with my Partner's auntie and family Our son was born September 2022.
His way into the world was a bit more difficult then it should and they had partway through had to put me asleep in the c-section procedure, are son wasn't so well and ended up in Nicu for quiet a few days, when I was back on the ward they realized I was very poorly, it turned out that I had Sepsis and phenomena, While trying to get me better (I almost died.)
They took me to have some scans. They found a tumor in one of my kidney. At this point I hadn't seen or met my son and my partner was running round like a headless chicken back and forth to Nicu, They told us that it was 7-8cm in size.
Fast forward to less then a month out of hospital and we saw the specialists, with my age and the rarity it is to see one in someone so young and so big they said either way it had to be removed.
So 3 months after my son being born, in January 19th 2023 I had my kidney out, while this was all going on we only told my partners parents about the tumor due to everything else going on with his auntie and not wanting anyone to worry. After having the surgery on the 19th of January 2023 the operation was a success and I was even sent home early as i was doing so well.
When the type was diagnosed the specialist I'm under said he had never even heard of it and that it was a slow growing one, Chromophobe renal cell carcinoma, my whole kidney was taken and surrounding tissue, It's now 2024 and the first anniversary of having my operation is in a few days.
I feel so odd inside, people are saying I should be happy and over the moon because I am still cancer free, and I am those things but I don't feel them, whats more I feel wrong to feel that way around my partners family, because of his auntie.
The way people look at me (Close family only knowing at the time/now.) it makes me feel bad and wrong for feeling how I feel, they look at me weirdly it hurts to see it and hear it in their voices, even my partner has that look about him when I try to talk to him about it, if I'm honest I feel guilty knowing that I survived and his auntie did, she was such a amazing person so lovely and happy and I'm just me, I feel like people might think I'm wasting the life I've been given. I'm not spontaneous not really, we don't really do anything particularly life changing since or before, apart from having our beautiful boy who is now 1 and also got a clean bill of health (They were worried he was going to be disabled due to his rough start. Don't get me wrong that wouldn't be anything wrong or bad about him if he were disabled but we're glad like any parents to know he's happy, healthy ad running rings round us as I speak.
like I said before hand, I don't know if this will be read or anything, but even though I'm being supported with the mental health team and others for my conditions, I feel like all of my feelings are building up inside me and have to be locked away, they tell me how well I dealt with it not breaking down and crying but keeping everyone together while they did as if their proud of me, but inside I feel like yelling and screaming, crying out and letting all my emotions out I don't even know what would come out, anger? Tears? Fear? Guilt. I am so luckly and so blessed with family and still being clear on my scans, But at a lot of the time I don't feel that, I feel tired, Exhausted by everyone else emotions and thoughts.
I'm sorry if I am just going round in circles with my typing but it ways so heavily on my chest and so even though I don't know if I'll write again, or how if I do I just needed somewhere to finally put it down.
Signing off
Confused and conflicted
(Also if you've just read all of that probable random Babberling gibberish I'd say you earned a cookie or two. <3 )
