When someone close to you receives a cancer diagnosis, it can sometimes be difficult to know what to say. You want to reassure them, but you don’t want to minimise what they are going through, you may have questions you want to ask, but also don’t want to pry, you want to let them know you’re here for them but also give them any space they may need. It can seem really difficult to know how to start and can lead to some people avoiding the situation all together. When it comes to talking about cancer, there is no one script you can follow because, the simple fact is, ever single person is different and may want to talk about cancer in their own unique way.
The most important thing is that you are open to having those conversations about cancer, as being open and available to talk can be a really beneficial way to support someone who's just been diagnosed. It’s also important to remember that you will be dealing with your own emotions and reaction to the situation as well as your loved one, and you are both equally deserving of finding right support to talk about how you are feeling.
In today’s community News Blog, we are exploring how to approach the conversation of cancer with a loved one. As always, our Community members are here to help by sharing their experiences of what they found helpful when talking about cancer.
But what if I say the wrong thing?
It’s understandable to be worried about saying the ‘wrong’ thing when talking about cancer. When someone you love is going through a difficult time, the last thing you want to do is add more upset and stress to their situation. However, this can lead to people avoiding the subject of cancer, or worst avoiding the person who has been diagnosed altogether, out of not knowing what to say. Remember it’s ok to have concerns about what to say and you are not alone.
“I am scared of saying something wrong. I don’t know if I should ask ‘how are you’ is that insensitive? Should I talk about my day/week?” Community member, ‘Carers only’ forum
Jenna, one of our Cancer Information and Support advisors gives the below guidance when talking to a loved one about cancer:
“Often as a loved one it is easy to feel as if you ‘should’ know what to say or do to help or to soothe, but this can be difficult for many reasons, importantly: everyone is different in how they feel, respond, and cope with the news and so there is no set right or wrong way to support.
A key thing though can be being sensitive and empathic to their needs. It can be natural to want to reassure for example, but sometimes this can tip over sometimes into shutting down a conversation on how they may truly be feeling.
Empathising with their feelings whatever they may be, however difficult, can be so supportive in helping someone feel understood and less alone.
There is also nothing wrong with asking them what they feel they need right now.
I want to assure you that it would be almost impossible to get things ‘right’ all of the time, but communicating when you feel you may have said something that feels as if it didn’t come out right, or has not had the impact you intended, can be so valuable. It can feel daunting but shows a sensitivity and desire to help and be there.”
Jenna, a Macmillan information and Support advisor
The importance of listening
When it comes to talking about cancer with someone who has been diagnosed, sometimes one of the most important things we can do is simply be there and listen.
“Sometimes the best gift you can give is to allow people to cry if they need to without trying to stop them or even reassure them it will be ok when it won’t.” Community member, ‘Carers only forum’
“Sometimes it can seem the people we least want to talk to are those we feel close to and finding words of comfort when we too are in shock can be hard. One tip I was given was "if you do not know what to say just listen" Community member, ‘Carers only forum’
“Why not just ask, "how are you doing?" and then listen attentively?” Community member, ‘Breast cancer forum’
Be honest and ask
As our Cancer Information Advisor Jenna mentioned, sometimes if feels like we should have all the answers and know what to say when supporting someone with cancer. But in reality, that’s not always the case. Sometimes being honest and open is the best policy - especially when the alternative might be saying nothing at all. Letting people know that you don’t know what to say, or following their lead and simply asking them what they need can be really helpful.
“Be open, ask, avoid assumptions – it’s worst to not say anything at all.” Community member, ‘Breast cancer forum’
“What typically bugs me is people with no experience of cancer talking like they know how we feel or what happens. I’d rather they asked than assumed.” Community member, ‘Womb (uterus) cancer forum’
“In terms of talking often it is best to follow their lead” Community member, ‘Carers only forum’
“I would follow her lead and ask her how you can help and if there’s anything you can do. Sympathise and be there for her.” Community member, ‘Carers only forum’
“I do understand that many people will feel awkward and not know what to say, but to me it would be better to say that they don’t know…it’s not that difficult just to say “that must be difficult for you”. Community member, ‘Breast cancer forum’
Our Community is here for you
If you don’t know how to tackle the topic of cancer, you are not alone. Our Community members are here to support you. Whether your partner, family member, friend, or neighbour has been diagnosed and you need guidance in how to approach the subject of cancer, why not post in our ‘Family and friends’ forum to connect with others who may have been in a similar situation.
You might also find the below resources useful:
What to say to someone who has cancer
Talking with someone who has cancer
“I’m fine”: how do you really cope as a carer?
Being a partner and a carer: how cancer can affect relationships
However you approach talking about cancer, remember you are the expert when it comes to your relationship with that person. Trying to make sure you say everything right could lead to you not saying anything at all, and it’s important to let your loved one know that you are open to talking about cancer if they want to. Sometimes just simply asking ‘How are you?’ can make all the difference.
Do you have any tips for talking about cancer with your loved ones? If so, why not share them below to help others who may be concerned about what to say.
