Clearing out memories

2 minute read time.

FormerMember

7 Nov 2012

How stupid am I. Had a beautiful morning. Took the dog on a very long walk. The sky was so blue, the leaves so orange-red. It was just so beautiful I felt tears. How can this be? The sheer stunning beauty of an autumn morning makes me cry, not with tears of sadness, but just in awe of how amazing all the colours are. Had a happy morning and felt myself smiling as D seemed to be around.

Then came home to some sorting and tidying. How b. stupid am I. Why did I keep going? Like twisting a knife in a wound and I knew what I was doing. A drawer full of photos of when D first arrived. Photos of his first wife, and that's ok. I could tell he loved her but the marriage was all over so quickly. Then, photos of his girlfriend of 3/4 years before I appeared on the scene. Hell, I went to school with her. And we are talking 35 plus years ago. So why does it hurt? Why does it seem so immediate? And I know she was a bitch to him and it was over before I appeared, but hell.........

Then I went to the grave with the last rosebud from the garden. And went to the stonemason - round 2 of choosing the headstone.

Came home and bam! A helluva lot of photos went in the recycling bin. (Would they have been better in landfill?!!) And then I told him off. Started to really be angry with him. Why did you keep this stuff? Oops ....... what did I keep, I wonder?

So now, am sort of sad, angry and smiling because I'm such a silly chump!

And you know and I know why I hurt. Because I love him still - always will. And Jeez, how I miss my man. But I am here and I am going forward. (Oh and I set the mouse traps again without batting an eyelid. Progress.)

Am sinking a glass too many but don't care. I am what I am and I am trying in the best way I can. Ain't perfect, but this is hard, really hard. And a part of me is proud of me.

Mac warriors unite! Two fingers to cancer.

Little Jen

PS. Apologies - I am really a very polite and well-behaved woman, but just at the moment I plan to do what I need to do. If it involves a bit of fish-wifeyness, so be it.

FormerMember over 12 years ago

Here's to you being a fecking amazing woman and warrior, and to doing what you need to do! We're right here with you, *clink* - cheers to us and cancer can feck off!

Lotsa love

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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FormerMember over 12 years ago

Aw Cariad

Thank you. Knew you'd understand.

And a hug to you too.

Little Jen XX
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FormerMember over 12 years ago

I got here on the site somehow. And I am sticking two fingers up to cancer and raising a glass to my fellow mac warrior and fish wife. You know what it says on my bracelet and you know the you there man exists so you are not alone.

You are amazing. I wouldn't recommend sticking that knife in quite so much so soon, but you have balls and courage a plenty my dear. I take my hat off to you.

Armour polished and well done for recycling binning things.

Bug hugs and big hugs and maybe even some nig fugs to you and you keep on taking those steps and I'll let you into a secret. I cry at the beauty of summer sun on the sea in Sweden... too beautiful, too sad to not last.

LM xxxxx
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FormerMember over 12 years ago

Little Jen and LM:

I too, consider myself to be polite (and not fishwife material) but believe that I have "C.I.T" which stands for Chemo (or Cancer) Induced Tourettes as I find myself dropping the f bomb in times of stress and frustration. This disease certainly has a lot to answer for!

Let's stand united and raise those two fingered salutes (in a lady like fashion of course).

Pam
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FormerMember over 12 years ago

Little Big Jen,

Some warm welsh cwtches from me. Grieving is such a horrible state to be in and even more so when the cause is so unfair.

It's good that you enjoyed such a beautful autumn morning and there is nothing wrong with tears of joy at something so beautful.

You are certainly showing courage in tackling the things that must be done. Don't worry about old photos; they are records of feelings in the past which were over before D met you. Men generally don't like throwing things out, I dread when my daughter says she's coming over to help me sort out, a cupboard or the loft.

So don that armour that has been polished up for you and forward once more into battle. I am sure that the hoourable Guild of fish wives will be proud to have you as a member.

Pam, thankyou for that explanation of CIT, I was getting concerned about my language lately!

Hugs and love to all,

Odin xxx
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