So, we had the talk...

My husband and I sat talking in bed for almost 2 hours last night and I cant begin to tell you how much better I feel. I told him everything I needed to say about what was bothering me and asked him the questions I needed to. We both cried a little (well I cried alot!) but I think we had a breakthrough. Amongst other things I asked him why he hadnt shown any emotion or tried talking to me about my illness. He said he was just trying to be strong and bottle it all up like he did the first time around. I said things were different then because I wasnt going to die. He went very quiet and I could see him welling up and I did feel a bit guilty as I was really pushing him. He said he hasnt accepted that part of it yet. This is where we both cried and had a great big hug. I told him that although I am ok physically I am finding it hard to cope emotionally and that because he has been quite closed I felt like he didnt really care and that in turn was making me feel a hundred times worse. He said he hadnt meant for it to seem that way and promised he would try to open up to me more. I asked him to take a bit more of the burden and help out more around the house rather than assuming I will just do it. The other thing we talked about is the children. He is not their father and we have only been together 4 years, married for 2. So its still very early days for us but he has parental responsibility and we changed their surname by deed poll when we got married (and they all call him dad and dont see their 'dad') I asked him if he really thought he could care for me when the time comes, care for the children and run the house...and then when I am gone. I asked him if deep down he really thought he could and that he needed to start to think about how hard it will be. He said he will because he would have to and I said he didnt have to at all, I could make other arrangements for them. He said he didnt mean it like that and that he would do it because he would want to and that he would do his best by them. So we ended our conversation there as I think it was getting a bit too close to the mark and I had a headache from all the crying. I felt very refreshed this morning and he seems to be in better spirits than he has been. He also said work had stressed him out a bit last week so that may explain some of his mood. I want to thank everyone who gave me really great advice when I blogged about this the other day as I really feel we have made a big step forward and I for one feel very much happier xx