Its 3 years today that I was diagnosed with breast cancer. It was a beautifully sunny day much like today. It was a day filled with sadness in many ways too. I went to a funeral that morning with my mum as one of our old neighbours from when I was growing up had passed away. His name was Mr Cross and he was a lovely man. He grew vegetables in his garden and used to bring things for us like runner beans. It was a really lovely service and I just remember how sad his family were.
After the funeral I went straight to the hospital with Dan. We sat waiting in outpatients and I must admit I was a lttle nervous and we were joking around a bit. The sign on the door said consultant surgeon or something like that and I commented to Dan it must be serious if I was seeing one of them. Anyway I was called into the little room where I met Mr Kumar and there were 2 nurses in the room too. I dont know why but at that point I think I kind of knew what he was going to tell me. I had been for results before when I had a mole removed from my face and it was only the Doctor in the room and that had been fine. I wondered why I needed all these people to tell me I was ok??
Mr Kumar began by making small talk and going over things that had been happening, then he went on to say 'well, we were a little bit surprised by your results as it is cancer.........' I broke down and Dan squeezed my hand. I didnt really hear anything after that but I had the sudden urge to leave the room and run. Run anywhere away from there, then I wished I had never gone because then I would never know. Hearing those words was terrifying. After what seemed like hours I calmed down a bit and understood it was grade 3 the most aggressive type and this was heavily due to my young age and that cancer is more aggressive in young people. Also that he didnt think it was hormonal and that I would need surgery, chemo and radiotherapy. I was devastated, my wedding was 10 weeks away and all I could think of was not making it even that long. I really thought I was going to die that soon.
He told me I needed to go for some more tests that day, namely a mammogram which I hadnt had before as I was diagnosed from an ultrasaound and needle biopsy but they were querying another lump at the side of my breast. He told me if that was cancerous too I would need a mastectomy. So they took me into another room for a bit where the lovely breast care nurse Andrea went over everything that had been said and I broke down again. She gave me some time to compose myself before taking me round to the breast imaging department for the mammogram. The mammogram showed both tumours so they biopsied the second one there and then and I would have to come back the following week for the results of that and then everything would be planned from there.
I think I went into shock after that and kind of ran on autopilot. Dan and I stopped at the pub on the way home and had a pint then I went to face everyone. I was so worried about upsetting my family I put on a brave face. I told my mum first as she had been looking after George. She hugged me and cried. Then my dad came round and he hugged me and cried too. I didnt cry anymore that day, I just kept telling eveyone I would be ok but all I could think about was dying. I told everyboday I could including my children which was really really hard but the breast care nurse had advised me to tell them as honestly as possible what was happening so I did. And that was that day. That day that has changed my life in so many ways since, some good some bad. If you had asked me that day if I thought 3 years later I would still be alive I would have said NO but as time has passed I have managed to deal with it all really well, better than I had ever imagined in fact. And its funny as even though I now have secondaries and know what is going to happen to me I have never felt as bad about all this as I did that day. I have put cancer in its place and live my life like its never going to end.......
