Although I did phone them and say I felt sick which was true in a way but it was anxiety sickness not really illness. I watched The Mummy Diaries last night which I knew I would find upsetting but I felt it would be really useful for me in my situation. Dan watched it with me which I didnt think he would and we found ourselves talking about lots of stuff, cancer stuff and dying stuff. I have to be honest its the first time in ages we have talked about it and not because we dont talk about it, its just been in the back of our minds as at present I am really 'well'. I just didnt feel too great this morning when I woke up like I said the sick feeling and very tired despite sleeping well. I suppose it must have weighed heavy on my mind during the night. It did give me lots of ideas for things to do for the kids to go with the things I have already been planning but thought I should leave til later. Things like memory boxes and photo albums...all my pictures are on the laptop. Well from what the psychologist was saying now is really the right time to get started. Thinking about the things I want my children to know about me and things I want to get ready for them when I'm gone is sad but very uplifting too. I have started to look at myself differently and all the positive things about me and think about what they really mean to me and how much I enjoy my relationship with them, which I think we all take for granted in our busy lives. I know (and hope) it will be a long way off before I need to really start thinking about dying but I dont want it to creep up on me and I will forget all the good stuff. I never thought I would be in this position but I have always had something to deal with in my life and as hard as thats been I think its given me the strength to do this now. To survive this journey for as long as I can and cope with all that comes with it.
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