Feeling resentment...

1 minute read time.

FormerMember

20 Nov 2009

I have just found out that a member of my family has just been diagnosed with breast cancer. We are related by marriage and she isnt a close family member but I am going to give her a call later to give her my love. All we know is she is having radiotherapy so hopefully everything is in its early stages and she has a good outlook. Also my aunt who I am quite close to has had problems with breast lumps throughout her life has just had a total duct excision, which I had on my remaining breast in January 08. So I am going to call her too to make sure she is doing ok. I spoke to her a couple of weeks ago and she told me she was seeing Mr Kumar again, also my surgeon and that she has had scans etc and they were pretty sure it wasnt cancer. So fingers crossed for her too.

This brings up something we talked about during the telephone support group this week, which for me was a very good session and we talked about lots of issues. Its feeling resentment towards others. Dont get me wrong I would never ever wish cancer on anyone else and I would never wish the emotional turmoil I suffer on anyone else either. But sometimes I cant help wishing it was someone, anyone else, just not me! I think well why couldnt I have just needed rads, why couldnt I have just had benign lumps and that is so out of character for me. A few of our friends have had babies recently and one of Dans friends came for coffee yesterday and said they were definately going to have another one. And theres me sitting there thinking why couldnt I have had the baby and you got cancer??? I feel so guilty for it.

I know it is a normal response to being in such a shitty position, just wishing for something a little better than what I have got.

On a separate note I wanted to say a big thankyou to Leigh for mentioning support for her son during a previous post, we have an appointment at the local Hospice on Monday to discuss support for the children and see what services they offer which may be helpful to them.

Love to all

Chrissi xxx

FormerMember over 15 years ago

Hi Chrissie, never feel guilty, it's not your fault. We all have emotions, thats why we log on here for emotional support. The hospital sees to the physical side of things, this site sees to the mental/emotional side. We all experience it. I live near to one or two 'unsavoury' characters and I sometimes get angry why me, who has been honest all his life, never knowingly hurt anybody, should get lung cancer and nothing seems to ever happen to these cretinous creatures. It's not fair, but life never was fair. Just put it down to a bad day and dont feel guilty. You are not on your own.

Love and a hug or two, Bill xxx
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FormerMember over 15 years ago

Hi Chrissie,im glad you finally got some support for your children,i hope it helps them and you loads,its a difficult time for all when someone in a family is ill.

Dont feel guilty about the things you thing,you wouldnt be human if you didnt think them. Hope the appointment goes well for your kids

Leigh xx
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FormerMember over 15 years ago

Chrissie - hi - and I can identify with what you say about "why not some one else" I feel/felt the same when my other half was diagnosed with lung cancer, he got the all clear in April but now after his check up there are more lumps and "here we go again" I often sit and look at him and quietly think to myself "why him" "why us". There are horrible people out there who you just know will sail through life and nothing touches them but sadly illness is not measured by how nice or bad a person is (unfortunately) We both found love late in life which makes me even more angry to have waited so long each of us to find that special person then one of them gets sick. That anger remains with me daily and I have had counselling to help me with it. But you must not feel guilty about your feelings and thoughts they are all part of the process and if we hide them away in a dark place that's when they cause us more problems. As mentioned by one of the replies to your blog "you arent alone" we have all thought these thoughts and will continue to do so while our loved ones are sick. Good luck with everything and if you feel the need for counselling go get it girl I did and it lifted a tonne weight from me.
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FormerMember over 15 years ago

Hi Chrissie

I think you are just as normal as everyone else when you think these things. I just wish that people would look at me and say "isn't she lucky such and such a thing has happened" instead of 'poor her, guess what happened now!!!"
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