Hi everyone! I feel the time is right for me to lay my emotions open regarding the last 16 weeks (today) since my beloved hubby Peter passed away!
In the first couple of months I did what I knew I had to do, arranging funeral, paying bills, in my name. Sorting out Peter's clothes, etc. Pretending things were being dealt with in a normal 'bereaved' way, trying to put on an act for the family, friends and neighbours! I managed reasonably well which surprised me. I thought....this isn't as difficult as I presumed it would be? I was quite proud of myself and the family took a step back letting me cope in my own way.
I brought in the builders, had walls knocked down, doors blocked up, .....I've had seven bells knocked out of the place. These were all plans we'd had in our heads for a long time but looking back now, Peter wasn't well enough to think about doing it. Then came the dreaded diagnosis and that was our big project forgotten about. Our big project from then on was to get this disgusting cancer out of our lives.
After a 14 month struggle we were told there was no more fighting left and so the last 3 months of his life were the longest and worse months imaginable. He had been given the tiniest hope of having a treatment which we were going to pay for, if he was found compatible. It was going to cost £10,000 approximately but he didn't ever get to find out if it was possible or not. As it happens I have since found out it was not! So I am spending this money on our plans for the building work and 'our' new kitchen, at least something good will be done with his treatment money and I am sure he would have been well pleased with the finished product, the family are impressed!!
With all this work going on around me I have managed to keep very very busy and only have my unbearable sad moments when I go to bed at night when I am on my own out of sight of the family. So far this has worked reasonably well with only a few break out moments in between times. That is until this last few weeks. I have finally hit the wall. It started with Father's day which happened to be his birthday too. Then two calls from the garage, one on Friday and another on the following Monday, asking to speak to Mr H, Then a service reminder came through the post for his motorbility car? I'm afraid the Managing Director is going to get quite a letter to open when he arrives in work tomorrow!! They have all tried blaming each other........what are computers for?? Then I had his tax to sort out. All this was getting me more and more distressed.
The final blow came on Thursday. I had gone to pick the two youngest grandchildren up from school. As I don't drive this is now a bus journey and a bit of a walk and it was the first time of going back to 'our' house, from school, without Peter being with us. We were walking up the hill on the way home and the youngest was daudling. I tried to hurry her along and asked why she was so quiet? She thought for a minute then asked 'Is Bamper still dead Nanny?!' .... A couple of minutes after telling her that if she still sees him in her memories, he is still around us, she had forgotten the discussion, and was chatting about something else.....I have been in bits ever since........
This may sound so silly to the many people on here who, thankfully, are not in this situation, but I have got to the point in my 'loss' where realisation has just dawned........he's not going to be coming home!! And I now regret all those times I spent on the computer instead of being cuddled up on the sofa with Peter. I regret all those times when I was so tired, I slightly begrudged sitting with him, holding his hand through the night, I cannot blame, not being trained for nursing, on that thought!
I am trying to cheer myself today with the memory of travelling on Concorde, ten years ago this weekend, to New York. It was a trip of a lifetime........and am I glad we did this now. Also of retiring 8 years early........another good move!! We have had a good 40 years together and for that I am very grateful, not many of you on here in this situation have got that much of a memory bank and of course our wonderful children and grandchildren, priceless...... so I will end on that note!
Please, if you are reading this, in a similar circumstance, soon to lose a soul mate......make every day count!! I send my love to everyone I have been in contact with and hope you are all coping as well as can be expected. Will try to catch up with you all soon. Lots of love and support.
Cherryl
