Have signed in without crying!

3 minute read time.

Hi Everyone, all too numerous to mention, but will get around to speaking to you soon.  I cannot tell you how many times I have tried to come on here.

As with anyone who has lost someone so very dear to them, whether it be a child, partner, parent, sibbling or friend....time is essential in order for us to start getting a grip on life again.  There is so much to sort out, whether it be bills, banks, employment, pensions, clothes.....the list is endless.  My journey since Peter died in March is no different.

I would just like to share with you how I am coping in my own little way.  Again, like most of us I have a good set of family, friends and neighbours who have helped in my grief.  One particular friend, a photographer who took our wedding photos 41 years ago and our daughter's 20 years ago, phoned  several times, after Peter's funeral, offering help and very gentle advice.  He was concerned that because I was keeping busy with my kitchen project I was not going out. I said I was too busy. He pointed out that when I finished this project it would be winter and then another excuse for not socialising. 

One day he said he was putting on a dinner with some friends and would very much like me to join them.  He asked if I would make a desert.   Anyway, after a lot of persuasion I went.  I cannot tell you how many times that day I wanted to phone and make an excuse for not going but because they were reliant on my sweet I couldn't really let them down.  I now know this was their plan to make me go.  That evening I met a lot of very nice new friends and enjoyed the evening.

It was then suggested that because Peter and I had enjoyed live music maybe I would care to join them and visit their Jazz club as they were musicians.  My daughters persuaded me also that this would be a good idea and so I went....... I have never looked back since.  I find music so uplifting.  I can now go down to the club on my own because I know so many people there and can always find someone to sit with. I know that Jazz is not for everyone but we also go to classical concerts, choirs etc. 

Don't get me wrong, life is not a blast anymore, how can it be, having lost my soul mate but I just knew I shouldn't sit in the house feeling sorry for myself  and if I keep saying 'no thank you' to people's invitations then I would not be asked again.   

Since then, things have gone from the sublime to the ridiculous, not only have I got my bus pass this year but......wait for it....... my very own drum kit!!  I am now having lessons and actually was on stage and played last week.  My family do think I have lost the plot somewhat now but I am enjoying the whole new experience.  I am sure Peter is laughing down at me and saying 'Go for it girl' cos it is something he always wanted to do himself.

Another bit of advice our old friend has given me is, always smile or speak to people when you are out, don't expect people to come to you.  I took this on board and have had some amazing conversations with people on the bus, in the Cafe or in a shop.  So, whenever I feel down I will always find someone who has been in a worse position than me.  The number of times I have come home feeling really good with myself because I have made someone's day by making conversation with them and have left them laughing.  It is the best drug on the market.

One thing that upset me more than anything in the beginning was the memory of Peter's last three months struggle with his bowel/liver/lung cancer.  I couldn't get it out of my mind.  Had I done the right thing, keeping him home, instead of a hospice?  But since speaking to other people they feel the exact opposite so who knows what is right?  I am learning to live with these memories a bit better now but still am caught unawares on occasions when hearing certain music or meeting someone who didn't know Peter has gone.

I keep reminding myself  that I only have one life and I have to make the best I can of it, otherwise I have wasted my time.  I am so grateful to our friend for his advice but also that I have the sense to listen to his guidance.  I am interested to know how others are filling their days?

 

 

   

Anonymous
  • FormerMember
    FormerMember

    Hi - what an amazing woman you are! Just wanted to say that your approach to your 'different' life is so uplifting and as for the drum kit and bus pass - what a combination!!

    I have a son [16] and my dad on their own cancer journeys - my son has skin cancer diagnosed May 2010 and my dad was diagnosed yesterday with lung cancer.

    My son has been amazing since his diagnosis and treatment an after two ops and a third planned for 21 Feb, he is bouncing with energy and life... his cancer journey will be lifelong as he has a rare genetic condition that means he cannot mend his skin after exposure to daylight /UV rays... he lives life with a healthy view that stuff happens and we live with it and move on... wow to have been that well sorted in my head at his age!

    My dad's journey is new and just starting and I hope he draws on my son's life as a source of energy...

    My mum is saddened and scared right now and I will save your post to share with her when the time is right for her... she is a full on granny and is filling her time being busy and giving to everyone around her... like your journey she will stop one day and start taking her own 'different' journey and this is where I would like to see her doing something totally outrageous and frivolous and dare I say even a bit selfish... we all love her and she knows we are there for her... just at the moment she is so tied up in my dad's journey..

    Thanks for sharing so beautifully

    I wish you, your bus pass and drum playing all the happiest of times to come  - and as for your family - I don't thing it is lost the plot they are thinking - more like they would love to join in!

    Jules xx

  • FormerMember
    FormerMember

    Hi, you are such a strong person and you must feel so proud of yourself for going out there and just getting to know people and to have some kind of social life. Well done to have the guts to go to a jazz club by yourself, i hope that some time this year i will be able to do the same even though i have not lost anyone close to me it takes guts to do that.

    Enjoy life to the full.

    Take care Love Kaz x

  • FormerMember
    FormerMember

    Hi Cherryl

    Just wanted to say how warm your blog made me feel. How lucky you are to have such wonderful friends who wouldn't take no for an answer. To be starting conversations with perfect strangers, how many of us do that these days? I imagine you have brightened the day of many a person.

    It also takes great courage to step out and get on with life after such a great loss and I commend you on that. It's so easy to isolate ourselves that we can just wake up one day and realise it without being aware that it was happening. I'm sure you do have bad days still but as long as you can treat each day as a new day you'll manage well.

    Good luck with everything you try, you're doing all the right things and I'm sure your hubby is smiling somewhere and extremely proud of you for not giving in.

    Love Max xxx

  • FormerMember
    FormerMember

    Hi Cherryl, I'm so pleased to see that you are finding your feet again.

    I can relate to you in a lot of ways. I lost my dad to the same illness as Peter a few weeks after Peter passed away and I have just wanted to shut myself away, but am finding gradually I am accepting more and more invites to go out and have even planned a few nights myself.

    Like you say, it's not as if you're having a blast, but having a bit of a life again. I guess our lives will never be the same again, but it's about finding new ways to live our lives. Well done on taking up the drums, I wish I had your determination!

    Wishing you all the very best for the future.

    Love, Christine xx

  • FormerMember
    FormerMember

    Hi Cherryl

    It's lovely to hear from you. Goodness me, you have surprised me.........playing the drums? That really made me smile. It's certainly a good way to bash out all your emotions!

    Last Thursday I got the dreadful news that my mum has womb cancer. I am making my way down to Cardiff tomorrow, so that I can be with her for her appointment on Wednesday. I am hoping and praying that they can do something.

    Well, I hope we'll see you on here from time to time, so you can update us on your new music career!

    Love Angela xxxx