I have been sitting here wondering how each and every one of youl cope with the everyday stress and strain of living with cancer or caring for partners, parents, children, family and friends, I am interesting to find out how you do it? I am sure others would appreciate reading your stories also.
For instance, our family and friends praise us on our attitude to all that is happening at the moment and cannot understand how we are keeping so upbeat, our answer to this is:
. If we were down and in deep despair, how many people would want to keep in touch with us on a regular basis?
. If 'doldrums' is a treatment side effect...get help or give help!
. Go online, help others needing support on one of their 'doldrum' days!
. Go online asking help from others on one of our 'doldrum' days!
. Check our stress level everyday....the sherry bottle is still half full since we opened it in October 09 on diagnosis day!
. Keep cool, calm and collected (easier some days than others I know)
. Nothing has happened yet! We are dealing with it...a day at a time!
. Could be sitting here watching telly, unaware of what is going on in his body! Perish this thought!!
But everyone on here has their own way of dealing with stuff! Some like to know the nitty gritties and ins and outs of everything, some laugh through it, some have phobias to conquer and some just survive having lost their soul mates (they are the brave ones) Please add your opinion to this blog.
Cherryl and Peter
FormerMember
One foot in front of the other. These comments you mentioned made by others are coming from those who have not done it. I'm not judging them at all, just my observation. When I have talked to others going thru things in their life, for instance, I had an acquaintance who's healthy son was struck down by a brain tumor and is now a walking talking adult vegetable that they care for full time. When my mother became terminal and I was out walking the dog we chatted for awhile outside. She didn't ask me "how do you do it?" She asked me how I was doing and how my Mom was doing. I mentioned this very thing that you commented on and she said, "I know, people just don't understand. You can't stop and think about it, you just do it." We shared a lot of thoughts and conversation along that line. You just keep moving in a forward direction.
Additionally, with my mother and again now with my husband, I began systematically stripping my life of any unnecessary responsibilities or obligations. As I pared down the large things I tried to hang on to a few small things that brought me some measure of pleasure, but was always willing to let them go as well. With my situation, I knew both were temporary. My mother because she was terminal and my husband who will recover. So perspective and point of view are absolutely critical to coping with "everyday life". Redefining it (everyday life) and finding a "new" normal are key elements for me.
With my husband I would get the nurses laughing because I wouldn't often describe our chemo sessions (3 week stints, 7 days a week) and every day going to the clinic as "Ground Hog Day", like the movie. My friends from far away would call and say, "So what are you doing for the weekend?" or over the holiday. I would laugh and say, "You are too funny! Its Ground Hog Day here at Ground Zero! We do the same thing everyday 24/7 until we are done and go home." I have bright friends and they "got it" pretty quickly that they didn't understand and it was a social question and didn't pertain to my current situation and we would get a big laugh together out of it. That's important too. Laugh a lot and often and don't take offense because others say what appear to be stupid things. They just don't know. If they are dear to you that educate them. If they aren't well, good riddance and don't let it get to you. You will find brand new friends and old friends will change and go a different way. You will always be surprised by who your new players become. Its ok. I don't judge. People have different strengths, weakness, bravery, courage, experiences, etc.
I feel fortunate in that I'm artistic and like to read and somewhat computer savvy. So I have lots of things I can do to fill my time and its a time that I actually get to enjoy some things I might not otherwise find the time for. That whole point of view thing. I am also very fortunate that I can not go back to work right now and fully care for my husband until he is done. He is also able to continue working. So we are very well aware that we are in a different place. We don't have small children anymore, we have in insurance (we're in the states), etc. We are very blessed. So my "everyday life" is not the same as perhaps some others with small children, single parents, etc. But whatever it is, you have to do it and you have to get through it and its helpful if you learn to let others help you. People actually like to help. Its natural for most of us to want to. Its harder for us to accept it, or know how to ask for it. That has been what I have learned and I'm much better for it.
Our next hurdle, which I can't really address yet, is HOW we will LIVE with Cancer when his treatment is completed and his cancer is gone. Its already is gone, but we are on a protocol we need to finish. Again I expect we will just put one foot in front of the other and deal directly with what comes.
Coming here (WhatNow?) has been very helpful to meet and chat with others like me. I learn from the patients and the caregivers about issues that I have yet to deal with but know are coming. It has been a blessing. Especially since I need to be strong for my hubby and try very hard not to "dump" my worries and fears on him. To be able to come here and lay it all out bare and raw and get some guidance is immensely supportive and strengthens me, which in turn gives my husband a stable and strong caregiver, friend, spouse, partner, etc.
That is it exactly, there are no books that cover how to live like this, yet it comes naturally to us, why or how? We go from doctors appointment to hospital appointment, we help at home if a dressing needs changing in between nurse visits. At a moments notice, during the night, we are ready to help with any problem that occurs, without a second thought and without any skilled training or University degree! Psychology skills kick in on some days even.
My thought is that the patient deals with the pain and discomfort in the best way they can, with the greatest amount of courage and we the carer deals with this to in our own way. In fact we should all be very proud of ourselves but would we cope as well if we did not have this website to moan, cry or laugh on?
We would cope Cherryl, but this site has made it INFINITELY easier and the learning curve less! Thank God for that!
Yesterday when we started our 21 day regimen and Dave was getting hooked up to the Chemo bag (they do everything outpatient here in Little Rock, Arkansas) Dave began to stress on whether he had brought with us from California the oral chemo he is supposed to take during the 4 days. Keep in mind he told me, the nurse and the doctor he had 5 of the pills and he only needed 4, that we didn't need to order more, etc. Suddenly we are sitting there and he is absolutely panicked about it. I didn't get mad at him, but tried to talk him thru logic, that of course he brought them. When I could see the anxiousness not abating I said, "Would you like me to run over to the apartment and check?" Even though we could do NOTHING about it on a Saturday. What the hell. He said, "Really? You don't mind?" So I drove over to the apt, about 5 min away and sure enough they were right where I thought they were in the suitcase. I called him on the cell phone and he was so relieved. Back to the clinic I went. Its such a small thing and yet such a big thing. I can think of every reason to be pissed off, but why? He panicked and you know what, he needs to be as calm as he can be. No harassment, no make wrong, just talk it through and make a very simple decision to HELP.
That is what I call team work! As I said to Ribbsie recently, they have their mind on one thing, getting better and they cannot take in that others are fighting along with them and 'caring'. I am always checking up on things I know I have done just to keep Peter happy.......but we just grin and bear it don't we. All the very best with this cycle, he certainly has come on in leaps and bounds....congrats to you both.
This sounds really stupid, because none of us (caring) actually feel like this, but we are the crutch - the little bit of sanity in the insanity, the one who's well and thinking straight to the one who's feeling like hell and can't think for a second or two; we are the reassurance; the one who will do and care without reward; and yet it all comes naturally, falls into place, you work the rest of your day and what you want to do around what needs doing and what your loved one cannot or finds difficult to do for themselves.
I have a very understanding friend who have been in a similar situation to mine, she understands, which a lot of folk don't - she gave me two little cards -
A Caring Message - At times like this, it's always hard to see a brighter day but may this caring message help to guide you on your way. May these thoughts remind you that you're never on your own take strength from those around you and you'll never feel alone. The other is, One Day At A Time - Help me believe in what I could be and all that I am. Show me the stairway I have to climb; Lord, for my sake teach me to take one day at a time.
Both ends of the spectrum there - so how about this - So far to day I'm doing alright. I have not gossiped, lost my temper, been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish or self indulgent. I have not whined, cursed, eaten any chocolate, or had a glass of wine. However, I am going to get out of bed in a few minutes, and I will need all the help I can get. I much prefer the last one!
