healing/ recovery and getting some balance back in my life

I was accepted yesterday for the Hestel and balans course here in holland which means healing/recovery and balance think the balance means balance back into your life. I am real pleased as there is no balance in my life at the moment i feel like i am on an emotional rollercoaster and am going though many fears i never had before. I finished with chemo 8 weeks ago and unfortuntely had quite a few side effects first week mouth ulcer, third week nausia, and also the memopause came on thick and fast, and i had some panic attacks. Week 4 started vomiting every morning and nausious every waking moment. This went on throughout my chemo and even after for a few weeks. Only went outside the house to go to hospital for chemo and hospital appointment for two and half months, my nurse had also told me to limit visitors to avoid infections so saw not so many people. Week 5 they found that i had low bloods and was aneimic so then had to have an apex injection every week. The last weeks i was sooooo depressed and had to see a physciatrist. She was brilliant i was starting to think i was going crazy, outbreaks of sobbing my heart out, but when i went to chemo, there were people there laughing and talking of shopping and housework, and when i came on here i saw high spirits in the chat room why was i different and not coping. She assured me that i was not abnormal and i was having a healthy reaction to what was happening to me. I had found out about the lung cancer in march 08 had to have tests to see if i could have surgery, it wasnt sure if it was in my lymph so had to have operation to take a look, this was wed 9 april on mon 14 april i got the results ..... they could operate 16 april i had half my left lung removed the edges of 3 ribs and the tumour. Had to wait 3 weeks to find out if it was all gone and on the 9 may i was told that the edges of the tumour were all clean and that the cancer was gone, and that on the 6th June i would start 9 weeks of chemo just for safety in case any cells had escaped before the op. After the chemo finished i was still nausious and vomiting for two weeks, and then i tried to go out. wow this was hard i was scared ... scared to go walking down our road with the dogs....... scared to be a passenger in my husbands van....... scared my dogs would get run over..... scared my husband would be in an accident. OH what was happening to me. Gradually i made myself go out building up the walk and the journey. That was then, this is now, i still cant believe the cancer is gone, i live daily in fear that if it is, it will come back. I am still depressed, i just cry sometimes for such silly things and its sobs not tears. I am trying real hard to move forward and go for walks with my dogs every day slowly increasing it but the op is still very painful, and i am able to go further as a passenger, strange thing is i can drive myself ok. I still see the therapist every two weeks and the hospital has got me to start a course on the 25 of this month twice a week 2 hours with a group of people after cancer and a therapist and then two hours in the gym there with a physiotherapist. I am really looking forward to this i had the final intake interviews on thurs with the physio and she is pleased with my progress, breathing and walking and friday with the physcotherapist who when i told him the above said i am dealing with everything in a healthy manner, let the tears come and its understandable all your fears and that i will learn why on the coruse. That i have been through alot over the last 5 months and the 12 week course will help me go back to work and function in life. Its strange cause i said to him yesterday it feels like i was not in my body when all this was happing the tests, the waiting, the op, the chemo, that i was there but watching it, and now its real somehow and i have to deal with it all.I live in holland am married to a dutchman only been learning the language a few years and thats hard at 49 so hope i can keep up with the group and understand everything. On the 22nd sept i have an appointment with the lung doctor and will also have an xray and results. I am real worried about the results, but also think that if he tells me its clear then i will finally be able to believe the cancer has gone and celebrate. sorry this was a long one have been wanting to do this for ages but wasnt ready, now i am. I have got alot of support on this site by reading all the blogs and forums and also sometimes lurkin in the chatroom, and also i have made two very special friends here. take care and lots of strength to all sufferers survivor friends and carers caz x