This a post about how, I. Carol Holmes, aged 68 coped with my cancer.
I was first diagnosed with ovarian cancer in 1983. I remained disease free until 2005 when a pelvic mass appeared. In 2007little tumours kept popping up all over the place - first the left bronchus and the widespread brain mets. Three sorts of cancer in one week was a bit OTT, I thought! In March 2011 when the cancer spread to my brain, I was given a terminal diagnosis of 6 months. I'm still here though.
In 1983 cancer was a taboo subject, nobody talked about cancer. At the hospital I found a fledgling support group. Probably because I talked so muchj they asked me to give a talk about my experiences. I did just that. I told itn like it was. It was well received and quite ground breaking. This isn't another story about a brave cancer survivor though many a time I put on a brave face and a big smile.
Nobody wants cancer, it finds you. Cancer is a misery it rips your life apart, it hurts. Your veins are battered and bruised. You los your hair. Many a timeI have had to put on a brave face and be stoical, sometimes to the point of lunacy. At 68 I would like to be travelling more and enjoying more of life's pleasures.
The question is, how do you cope with the challenge? There isn't a formula, you just have to keep on keeping on. My life changed radically, I gave up my teaching job and became a volunteer at a local cancer support centre which had just started. I was a receptionist which suited me fine - I was a teacher again. The ethos at that time was tea, sympathy and a listening ear. The early clients were lovely people with cancer who didn't know which way to turn. We helped as best we could, often thinking on our feet.
I have always found it helpful to express my emotions and feelings and get rid of lots of emotional baggage
The early groups were called Thursday Matters and Friday Friends, which said it all. Many of these groups remained just that, mainly self help groups. This particular centre had a life of its own.
In the meantime a friend and I raised a lot of money for the cancer charities by selling old clothes in a local market. I discovered a real talent for wheeling and dealing.
The attitude of other woman patients sometimes undermined my ability to cope. Some of them didn't know they had cancer or denied it, so there was the added strain of being a cancer patientwho knew, pretending they didn't know. This saddenedme: it was a terrible shock and made me forget.It ws like Russian roulette - whose turn next?Also there were the added effects of steroids. I could well have done without all this. Brave? No.
So, no magic formula then. you just have to look inside yourself and find that extra fighting spirit that helps you keepgoing forward in life For me now, everyday is a bonus. I wake up with glee and clap my hands, thinking "yippee! I'm still here "I cchant a little mantra which says " I love Amelia, I love Eve ", two granddaughters. I'm not a victim. I can now see I am my own woman, I know who I am
I am very blessed with a wonderful family and friends.
So keep on and be true to yourself. Life is good and worth living. The choice is yours, Life or death.
The past three months have been quite happy for me. I have discovered my true self and found self confidence in the knowledge of who I am. I was encouraged by my clinical psychologist to write this last part, free from all my previous insecurity. This is the best part.
No magic formula then . Believe in life and believe in your own life.
Carol Holmes ( aged 68 and still here )
