Well as anyone who is observant will notice its 4.20am and I am online which I think if you read my blog may be indicative of when I have not been the caring supportive partner I should be.
I have no real understanding of how my partner is feeling we talk and at times things are good and at times bad we are a year in from diagnosis and there is no cure but right now a year on after 1st round of chemo did not go as well as expected on rutambix for the next 2 years.
Its the everyday things that seem to lull me back into what I suppose you would define as 'normal' and I am ashamed to say that I almost forget about the cancer not quite the right way to describe it. I suppose what I mean is visually you would not know, physically apart from fatigue all seems normal.
My partner is so strong and I think very concerned about protecting those she cares about so I think she hides what is going on for her so that others do not get upset. I think she does this with me? but you would never know.
On the other extreme you have me I even find my self being stressed and just relating as I did before the cancer was around you know being short and only concerned about how things are for me, and I am ashamed to say even acting out on these feelings by being insensitive and I would think hurtful but because I cannot see the cancer I just cannot seem to keep it in the forefront of my mind.
I cope through work and wine all of which now reading this back stops me from accepting what is happening here and until I do I will never be there to support in a way that is respectful and perhaps most importantly helpful.
I know what is driving all this is the fear of not being with them when I should be focussed on being with them now and helping them enjoy all that they do.
Well apologies to you all it probably reads like a blog from someone feeling sorry for themselves at 'silly o clock' in the morning well that is exactly what it is!
On the upside it has helped me see what has been going on and hopefully will help me make some changes and keep me constantly asking about how it is for them and so stop me doing it badly!
