Hello,
I am sitting in bed eating bacon sandwiches, I figure that my cancer risk from bacon is negated now, plus I like bacon.
Forgive me for not blogging any sooner but we have been busy enjoying Christmas and preparing the new house. Plus to be fair nothing much cancer related has happened to me thankfully. The last thing I wanted was a hospital visit over Christmas, the poor NHS is stretched enough and I wanted to be with my family. This has brought home a new realisation for me about the reality of those who have to spend Christmas in hospital and I really feel for them.
Just before Christmas I went to see Dr Oncologist for a catch up, he is happy with my progress and arranged for me to have a CT scan from the neck down to see what the Bastard is up to. The next step will be based on what the scan reveals, if no cancer present then we switch to Active Surveillance, meaning scans every 3 months for now. If there is still some tumour present then a Cystoscopy will be arranged and we may discuss surgery to remove my bladder. I am unsure about this as it will mean a stoma and bag for the rest of my life and 6 months recovery when it might be pointless as the cancer has already spread into my bones and could pop up anywhere else in my body. If there is still active cancer or it has already spread then we are looking at trials. He also arranged for my eye to be checked over by the Opthamology department although he is fairly confident this will prove to be non cancerous.
We had my Dad, Stepmum and Mother in Law over for Christmas, it was as predicted a bit 'heath robinson' across the two houses, we ate at the new house as there was room but slept and relaxed at the current house. It didn't matter though as we were all together. It was a very strange Christmas. Christmas is a funny time of year for many people I guess, normally I live in my little Christmas bubble but not this year. Everything was tinged with the usual what if's...? to this end, Mr H and I didn't buy each other anything tangible so there would be no 'Nat got me this at Christmas last year's' for Mr H to endure. Although that said I think that that is likely to happen with other things anyway? Instead we bought each other really expensive foody treats to spoil ourselves. I didn't mind not having anything to unwrap because for me it is about watching the children and seeing the magic in their eyes. They thoroughly enjoyed it and their excitement helped to keep my brain from lingering to much on the bad thoughts.
We had a quiet New Year, since becoming parents we haven't gone out, preferring instead to chill a bottle of fizz and watch telly. Being at home also means we can include the children in the New Year wishes as we usually go in to their rooms and kiss them and wish them a Happy New Year even if they are asleep. This year was hard. I didn't want the New Year. This New Year brings more uncertainty, will it be my last, be the year the Bastard spreads, be the year I go into remission? I ended up in tears and I just wanted to block it all out. I desperately wished I could turn back the clock and be completely ignorant and instead be hopeful about New Year and the adventures it would bring.
My New Year resolution this year is not to give in and to fight it all the way. It will be the first time I have managed to keep to a New Year resolution ever. I know this because not fighting is simply not an option.
Besides, I have a lot planned this year so the Bastard can just F*ck Off, it is not invited. Holiday's of lifetime to do, a new home, finishing my first year at University, raising more money for charity and seeing my children grow even more. Hear that Bastard? Your name is not on the list. Your not coming in.
I hope that your New Year is kind to you and most importantly that you stay healthy.
xxx
