Today I had a CT scan.
I have had several CT scans now and am used to them but today for the first time I broke down.
The poor woman putting in the cannula for the contrast dye was so concerned she had really hurt me. She had because she put it in my wrist (chemo has a lot to answer for) as that was the only vein she could find but that wasn't why I was crying.
I cried because I was suddenly faced with finding out. Waiting to find out all over again if I have cancer. Well, I know I have cancer but if it has grown again I guess? Your damned if you do and damned if you don't. I wanted the scan sooner than August because I was stressing about not knowing what the cancer was doing but now I was here and having the scan I was stressing about what it would find.
I have been in pain again in my pelvic region and have had a dodgy blood test. My white cells are low, could be an indicator that the cancer is back but also equally could be something else. But brain won't listen to that.
The problem was once the floodgates were open I couldn't stop it. The poor radiologists were trying to ply me with tea/water/coffee/tissues. I politely declined, except for the tissues. I took those in a vain attempt to hide the fact that I was sobbing to the general public. Important note for you all....they don't work, in fact they make the red eyes worse as you scrub at the tears, bring Kleenex (other brands are available) much softer.
Sat outside the school waiting for the kids still sobbing an hour later. Thankfully a friend rescued me and got them for me saving me the embarrassment of standing in a full playground trying hard not to cry.
All it would take was one person to say 'are you alright?' (cos they would cos they are lovely) and not even the Hoover dam would have held the amount of water back, trust me.
I came home and immediately dived into a bowl of ice cream, everything is solved by ice cream isn't it?
So now we wait....
