Tick Tock, Tick Tock...
The countdown has begun. I had my scan today (despite going to the wrong hospital - chemo brain) to see how the cancer has responded to my chemotherapy course which I started back in June of this year.
It seems to have been forever but of course it hasn't been. Naturally I am very nervous. Very nervous indeed. This past week has been hard mentally for all of us. We all seem to have hit an emotional wall.
I have been longing for this last treatment to pass for a while now, looking forward to not having the dry mouth, the bad metallic taste tainting all food, the muscle aches and constant nausea. I have been eagerly awaiting finishing and the returning of my energy.
But...now I found myself confused, I have been worried, worried about finishing the treatment. Losing the familiarity of having the district nurses visiting to maintain my syringe driver, losing the familiarity of attending the hospital for the 8 hour chemo schedule and ultimately losing the very thing that was killing my cancer.
So we wait.
I want the results and I don't. I want to know where we stand and I don't. Whatever the results are though, the bastard is going to get a jolly good nuking.
Coming to this junction in my treatment has made me reflective again. All this takes it toll on you and inevitably you crumble from time to time. I know I have. But we pick ourselves back up, slap on a face for the world and we carry on. Just the rucksack seems to get a bit heavier each time I pick it back up. The thoughts of not being here next summer potentially or being very ill are creeping back in round the edges.
They never really go away but lately they are more present. I find myself trying to fix a view tightly in my brain. I watch the children playing and intently study their expressions to store that moment in my memory bank. I wonder if these are the images I will see when the end comes? I certainly want my children to be the last thoughts and images my brain creates. Yet I won't allow my brain to accept that this will be necessary.
Still I am in denial.
Anyway, I digress, the day of reckoning will be the 13th. Not an auspicious date really is it in the grand scheme of things? Any magpies thinking of getting in my way between now and then had better only venture out in pairs and if you are missing your black cat don't worry I will return it.....
Tick tock, tick tock.
