Hello everyone,
It has been a few weeks since our news that currently there is no evidence of disease.
It has taken a while to digest it and only just are we beginning to get into some sort of routine.
How do I feel about it now?
I am not sure truth be told. Many people are so excited for us, which is great, really it is. But I find I am unable to get that excited. My brain has been quietly whispering to me again. It whispers that it will come back. Who knows where who knows when?
I also think that people misunderstand what the results really mean, they mean that at the moment they cannot see any tumours. But the high likelihood is that the cells are busy replicating themselves somewhere but currently they are undetectable. I wouldn't describe my self as a pessimist but I am a realist. Brain keeps reminding me that I am going to die from this disease. Cheers mate.
At the moment I am busy with my university course, lots of assessment and I am finding it hard to focus and keep up. You'd think brain would have enough on but apparently not.
The chemo has wrecked my body, my right leg doesn't cooperate, neither does my memory and my joints are incredibly sore, particularly at night. I have managed to wean myself off the morphine though? I also appear to now being going through the menopause, they did say it would happen but it is not nice. Waking up in the small hours sweating buckets and unable to sleep. I think some HRT is on the cards.
Mostly I feel quite positive that I think I will possibly do quite well and see this year out but lately my bowels have been stressing me out. Nothing is right with them and whilst the sensible part of brain says they have been fried they will be awkward the stupid side of brain keeps saying yes but.....bowel cancer.
Throughout this whole process I would say that it is brain that causes me the most sleepless nights. It never shuts up. Every little niggle. OOOOOO I know what that is. Let's Google. How about let's not? Oh if you insist. Bugger. Cancer. It's cancer. I'm riddled. Except I'm probably not. Well not yet anyway.
That would be my biggest bit of advice. Ignore brain. It doesn't always know what is best for you.
Sometimes it helps but mostly when it comes to cancer it's silly.
Take care
xxx
