It has been a few days since my most recent chemo session so I thought a short update might be due?
This time the chemotherapy seems to have been just right, I had all the anti sickness medication available that was supposed to be and I for one was extremely grateful for it. It has made all the difference to my mood. I had been worrying, how was I going to physically drag myself through six cycles of what I had already experienced? It was horrendous. The nausea and the sheer pain and fatigue my body went through for my first cycle was scary. I was seriously having to consider whether I really wanted to push myself through it in order to prolong my life.
What a choice eh? Make yourself incredibly ill and unwell in order to possibly gain more life but still no guarantees. I have to say it was only the thought of my children and husband and the glimmer of hope that I could spend more time with them that was going to make me even go anywhere near the threshold of that 'treatment room' again. I can see why others might decide to refuse the treatment. Different circumstances might have made me refuse it. Who know's it still might?
However, my fears proved unfounded and the nausea did not strike which has made me extremely happy, as one of my phobias unfortunately is vomit and vomiting, not entirely ideal for chemotherapy granted. I have battled this phobia all my life unfortunately and it is a very real fear and I am not alone in it. I felt quite good in fact until Sunday when I suddenly hit a wall, imagine the worst kind of post flu attack on your muscles, the energy just seems to sap out of your body and even lifting fingers is effort. I am still quite tired today, it has been very hot today though which probably hasn't helped. This I can cope with though, I can sit down, I can watch, I can play when I feel up to it. I am not bed bound barely able to lift my head so all is good in my view.
I kept the syringe driver until yesterday when I switched to oral medication and I am still pleased to note I have no nausea, in fact, I appear to be suffering the opposite. I have been prescribed a course of steroids to help increase my appetite and quell the nausea. They have worked a little too well truth be told, I cannot stop eating. All the weight I lost in the first chemo cycle will have piled back on again. Damn.
As a family things are still up and down. People are afraid to talk to me, ask me how I am, they feel they have to watch their words carefully so they don't upset me. I don't mind. I would rather they just talk and want to be with me. Cancer creates isolation. Patients isolate themselves. I have done it. I have been struggling mentally with accepting that my friends and family are going to go on and have a life after me and indeed around me. I have to accept this, I would never begrudge them their life, I don't want their life to stop but still I do feel jealous. But this is something I have to deal with. I would hope I would never push a friend away even in my darkest moments. I guess I might? But I hope I wouldn't. It is however, an easier thing to push those closest to you away. I am sure I am not the first and certain I won't be the last. I do not mean to hurt you. I am frustrated and afraid and often that is expressed in repressed ways as I seek to make myself understood whilst inexpertly trying not to hurt peoples feelings. Very difficult to do. Far easier it seems to end up upsetting people anyway.
It has been a beautiful day to day. Really warm and a great day to be in the garden. A good friend came over with her little boy and the twins and he played with the water and toys while we spent the day chatting and enjoying each others company with no real pressures. Days like this are so precious. I want to know I have next summer but who knows? I will cling on to days like today with every breath in my body. I had a shower to cool down but was afraid to wash away the day. Before I would not have thought twice about having a shower and settling down ready for bed. Now? I relish everything. Every. Little. Thing. Time ticks away in my ear and no matter how I long for it to stop, it won't. Knowing you are facing your own demise in the not too distant future is very tiring mentally. Your brain never switches off. I would like my efficient and clever oncologist to install a flick switch in my brain but hey advances in cancer medicine are not there yet. So instead I will try the more tested and time honoured avenues of counselling and mindfulness.
This is something else I am struggling with. I have always been a strong person mentally. I have been through some tough times in my life but have always been able to stay strong mentally. Now I am struggling I am feeling disappointed in myself but am determined I will navigate my way through this. Others want me to take tablets or speak to professionals. I don't want more tablets. I take enough. I take tablets for tablets for tablets. So if I can avoid some more I will. Talking it is. This is where the blog helps and you dear reader but I will give the counsellors a go as well.
One thing I will say on my journey so far is that I have learnt to love on a much fiercer and more intense level. Cancer has taught me to seek pleasure in the small things. The insignificant. I love so many people. I love what they are doing for me, for us, for other cancer patients. I love communities. I love people I have never even met. Love is the one thing I will take from all this, be it with me at the end or with me going forward if I am one of the lucky ones. Take pleasure in the small things. They are after all the things that will prove to be important.
