Positivity and misery

5 minute read time.

Afternoon all,

What have we been up to since our break?  

Well the oldest two children returned home on Tuesday full of their holiday away with their grandparents. They had a lovely time, spend some time at a caravan and playing on the beach, going to the fun fair and just generally getting to be children enjoying a holiday.  We are very grateful for my dad and my step-mum for doing this, giving them this time to be children.  It is important for them to get a break.

Wednesday was lovely weather and my best day of the week so we decamped into the garden and the children played with the water and the slide and climbing things and I sat crocheting and watching them play.  We stayed out until it was time to come in for tea, I love just watching them play together, makes me smile.  They had a whale of a time and we all got some much needed vitamin D to do us all the power of good.

Thursday was chemo day.  I arrived on time and waited duly in the day room for my treatment to start.  I knew it didn't bode well when two young doctors descended on the room to come and take blood from a fellow patient and I.  First attempt really hurt and made me cry out loud.  Most disappointed in myself but it bloody hurt.  No pun intended.  Second attempt got it in but not in a great place.  I have learnt that if the cannula is put in the wrong place it causes the dreaded 'occlusion' (needle blockage) to occur a lot which stops the drip machine and adds time to the chemo.  Equalling chuffed me.  Not.  On the big plus side though I love the staff on Ward 34 at the Freeman, they are caring and although clearly busy they make sure they have time for you.  I also was allocated one of the young adult/teenage cancer rooms as that was all that was available and I was very grateful as I was spending this chemo on my own.  The room comes with free TV and pleasant surrounding, less hospitalised.  I can see how the younger patients really benefit from this, I know I did.  I brought my usual chemo project in and my study books so I could do some studying.  I need to crack on with the final essay for my history degree which I deferred back in May when all this 'cancer' shit kicked off.  Although I am struggling to get my brain in gear, largely because I wasn't enjoying the course anyway as it was a compulsory one and one I have had to push myself to do from the very start.  Luckily I had/have a very supportive tutor who I am convinced is the only reason I got through it.

The weather turned on Friday so we spent it indoors but we bought a new toy for the children, a large waterplay thing, they loved it!  I put all my tidying OCD's to one side and we set it up in the kitchen.  Yes cancer makes you do silly things.  Yes there was water everywhere.  But the kids had immense fun and I did watching them play.  The old me would never have let them do this so this devil may care part of the new me is good for them.  I think? 

Today has not been so good.  I have crashed emotionally and physically.  The side effects of the chemo have been creeping back in.  I have felt queasy again and the rafts of anti sickness medication are struggling to keep it in check.  I am also really suffering with my digestive tract.  The whole kit and caboodle.  Bowels included.  Sorry if you don't want to hear about that but this blog is the truth and the truth is that sometimes it is not pleasant.  I dread having to go to the toilet, my hemorrhoids are horrifically sore.  I have suffered for years, pregnancy does this to you but this is a whole other level.  Subsequently despite my best efforts at trying to come off all the pills they have crept back up again to help me deal with this most unpleasant side effect.  Hey ho.  The pain killers are coming down thought gradually, when you were in as much pain as I was and on as many drugs as I was this is a massive positive, so not all bad.

A and I also had a blazing row, I was a stroppy mare threatening to just head off, largely because I feel quite useless when I feel so bad as all I can realistically do is mope in bed.  Just not me.  I then sit and mourn my old life vis a vis a vicious self hating circle begins.  Which inevitably means you take it out on the people closest to you.  A also needed to offload I think?  A good friend came over this afternoon with a fresh take away coffee and a muffin, I had a craving for a fresh coffee.  So kind of her, we chatted, I offloaded, she offloaded, we cried a bit but I feel a bit brighter for it.  My friends are helping carry me through this and I am so grateful to them.

It is so hard this living with cancer lark.  There is such pressure to enjoy every last crumb out of each day because you just do not know how long you will be well for.  Inevitably you cannot keep this 'enjoying' up, it is physically impossible.  We cannot coast through each day like we used safe in the ignorance that we had many more days to 'do the things we really want to do'.  Enjoy that ignorance, I cannot tell how you precious that is.  Hold onto it.  It is physically and mentally impossible to live each day like it is your last I can tell you.  I have tried.

What am I trying to tell you?  That yes there are days when I feel positive but there are also days when I don't.  Days where I feel as happy as I can be given the circumstances and days where I feel like a scared young child who just wants someone to take all this away.  I for one find it difficult to be positive everyday.  The down days are necessary for the bad emotions to come out.  Kind of like I imagine a detox day to be?

Good ultimately for the soul, so don't be afraid of the down days.  They have a purpose.  If only to give us renewed vigour to enjoy the good days.

Well we are about to have tea and the kids are doing the hokey cokey, as you do so I think that is goodbye for now.

Take care x

Anonymous
  • FormerMember
    FormerMember

    Its good to hear that you're being looked after on the ward, baby doctors aside. Well done on keeping up studying though, your determination is impressive and inspiring :)

    Sounds like the children had a lovely time playing. Who cares about a bit of mess now? I used to be neurotic about tidiness but the last few weeks have made me realise it's just not that important. Let's save our energy for doing nice things.

    Here's hoping the sun comes out for you very soon x

  • You are very right when you say that there have to be down days and you cannot squeeze the max out of every day like it is your last. You can't - and why should you. Totally agree that we have to accept the down days too: accept and don't fight (that makes it worse). Like dark rainclouds, they will pass, that's the important bit.

    On a more prosaic level, bowel movements. I was going to blog on mine but my wife stopped me!!! :-) Seriously, I found that Laxido helped me very much. THe good thing about it is that you can up your dose as needed until it works. I find that reflexology also seems to help.

    Hugs,

    David

  • FormerMember
    FormerMember

    haha yes the bowel movements..... I figured if I am going to blog a 'real' view of cancer then I have to blog the not so pleasant stuff too ;)

    I must use my acupuncture voucher....