Hi all
I'm home after another 8 days in hospital. Basically once we were back from London the health professionals on my team up here felt that I needed to be admitted as I still had a temperature and my blood cultures were all over the place.
So in I went.
I was immediately put on a course of antibiotics and settled onto a small ward of four though there was just me and one other lady at this point.
I am not sure how much of how I feel now is still down to the sepsis. My sense of taste has changed, food tastes strange and therefore I enjoy it less. I also feel like I am permanently thinking and seeing through a fog. I sleep lots too. Not like a little nap, I have an overwhelming sense of having to sleep almost like a narcoleptic feels I imagine. It doesn't matter what I am doing or who I am talking to I just have to go to sleep.
For the next few days I slipped into the schedule of the hospital. Mr H and the children visited a couple of times and I took the necessary medication. My dreadful twitch has also returned so I have to be careful with touch screens as it can cause me bother.
Each morning I went I got a fresh coffee from the coffee machine as the hospital coffee was pretty rank and something extra for breakfast. The rest of the day was spent reading the paper or watching the telly, not hugely productive I grant you but that is what I did.
London rang to tell me that they had the results of the CT scan and it wasn't great news, the cancer had grown so the immunotherapy was no longer working. I finished the phone call and felt worried, previously I knew that my consultant was unlikely to offer me chemo so that meant no treatment to the cancer.
I continued with my new schedule waiting for my consultant to return from his holiday. In the meantime my pain was starting to worsen and my bowels were totally misbehaving swinging from being bunged up to unstoppable..
Today my consultant returned and we sat down to talk. I was right his feeling was that due to my tendency to get infected easily chemotherapy would be too dangerous as if I got an infection it could kill me.
He felt I needed to go home and spend some time not in a hospital and we would reconvene in roughly a fortnight. This gives us the chance to drive down to the Scarborough area to meet up with my dad who has the oldest two mini Hunters on a weeks holiday, which we are going to do!
What does this mean for me? us? It means that essentially they can do no more and that I have to accept I am at the end of treatment and the cancer must be allowed to do what it will. I have come home to wait until I die, who knows how long I have left? I certainly don't so we have already been proactive and booked to speak to some funeral care companies.
I am now scared and desperate for this reality not to be my reality at all but it is and complete it I must.
