It's been a while but then not much has happened, well to us anyway....
I like you have been immersed in the huge political momentum that the country is currently gripped by.
Since my unchanged scan results recently my pain has not got better, in fact it may have got slightly worse. But given they couldn't see anything obvious to explain it I am at a loss at what is causing it. I just need to hope that it is the radiotherapy.
As you know I have been trying to complete my first year at university whilst also completing my first year as a cancer patient. It has been hard and inevitably I have failed on a couple of assignments. I have been very hard on myself for failing and need to try to be kind to myself.
I had cause to travel to Sheffield for University last Monday and needed to be in Worcester on Wednesday for a resit for one failure. I booked a car and a hotel for two nights and looked forward to some me time where I could immerse myself in one of my favourite subjects, parenting. I hadn't considered though that on a long drive our brains tend to tick over so Brain immersed itself in one of it's favourite subjects.....the Bastard, rookie mistake number one.
I had downloaded a play list of my most favourite Madchester tracks in preparation. Rookie mistake number two. Add to that all the place names appearing on the road signs of places that are invested with meaning I had the feeling of my life flashing before me. I was looking around at the beautiful lush countryside and thinking I can't die. I love life too much. Before I knew it I was wiping tears from my eyes. Lesson learnt.
I had been talking to a mum at school recently about my experience. It's funny cancer. I seem to have processed the fact that I do have terminal cancer and that at some point it will get me. Just not quite yet. We were talking about my latest scan and we got to talking about being lucky. I said without thinking how lucky I was that I had Dr Oncologist as my oncologist, I rate him highly. How lucky I was that I had access to one of the best cancer centres outside London and Manchester, the Freeman Hospital. How lucky I was that I had the foresight to take out a life insurance policy. But am I lucky? Surely lucky would have been not needing any of these things? I was struck by how I had moved on from the diagnosis and I was now assessing other things surrounding the worst kind of luck.
Kind of like every cloud has a silver lining if you get what I mean? It could be far worse, I could not have responded to the treatment, I could be bedridden, I could be dead already. As it stands though I am in uncharted waters, I am a statistical aberration so far.
I am not normally a massively superstitious person but lately I feel I cannot talk about the future without jinxing myself. People must also think I have lost the plot when I am surreptitiously saluting lone magpies whilst frantically looking for it's mate. There is one that lives in my close. I am sure it enjoys seeing me saluting daily....
I'm also the mad woman who is trying to seduce your black cat down her garden path.....
Let's hope my luck holds.
