Hi all,
Hope you are all well and well prepared for Christmas? Things have finally started to get a bit more seasonal here. We went Christmas tree shopping for a space saving tree to put up in our dining room/living room and the children dressed it. A first for me because I am normally very possessive and OCD about dressing the tree, but maybe because this one isn't the usual one I found it easier? (wink, wink).
This evening despite me feeling that I really didn't feel like doing it I have written some cards out to send to friends and family too.
I think because I am feeling less rough my interest and energy levels are picking up. I am still suffering on and off with muscle aches and nausea amongst the other less delightful side effects but I find I can cope with these better now the burns have begun to ease.
We have good news about the house too, hopefully tomorrow we will be the proud owners of our very own family home. The home for the children that I desperately wanted to be certain was there for them. So I can relax on that front now. Just need to make some good memories for them in it.
I even managed to have a good tidy up in our bedroom today and do some other chores, quite a step forward for me as lately I have not moved out of bed very often.
However Cancer must have sensed that I was feeling a little better about things in general. The Bastard.
I went for a routine check up on my eyes so I could order some more contact lenses yesterday. As I sat down I realised that the last time I was here I had no idea I had cancer. I probably did have it but was blissfully unaware. Being dutiful I informed the optician as it seems that everyman and his dog seems to need to know if you have Cancer. It hadn't occurred to me that this might be a difficult appointment until I suddenly realised that she would be looking at my eyes. Sure enough as soon as I had finished my eye test she then began to use the machine which shines a light inside your eye for her to check my eye health. She then stopped and checked and rechecked and paused and then checked my right eye again. I felt that awful sinking feeling when you know something is wrong.
I said you are worrying me. She said please don't. Extremely hard not to in my position I can tell you. She explained that unfortunately she could see something in my eye. My heart tried to exit my mouth immediately. She said that it was an area of pigmentation and it was new to me. She went on to explain that it was kind of like a freckle but given that it was new and my illness I have to have it checked out.
I left that appointment wanting to scream out. I hate you Cancer. Can't you just leave us alone? Not even for a short time? Please? Can we not just have some peace? Just for Christmas? It would appear not.
I got home, informed Mr H and promptly burst into tears. I have a letter for Dr Oncologist which I will hand over on Monday then I will no doubt be referred for further tests. Which I am sure will be after Christmas now so we will both have this hanging over us for the Christmas period. I am not confident and am already scared that the Bastard has spread.
Why my eye? I really cannot be that unlucky can I? I am now starting to think that I must have been really evil in a past life to deserve this and to be causing my family such heartache. Perhaps I was Genghis Khan? or even worse? or maybe I am just pure unlucky?
But given today's news that suggests up to 90% of Cancers are down to lifestyle maybe I just brought it upon myself by eating naughty things, smoking briefly in my youth and the occasional binge drinking session? Only got myself to blame then.
I really will be glad to see the back of 2015 but then am I? Knowing that it is uncertain how much of 2016 I might see?
I am tired of thinking. I want my off switch for my brain now please?
xxxx
